Category / clothing

by Kelly Mattei

Is Your College Student Wearing Dirty Clothes?

Is your college student wearing dirty clothes?

Mine is not. I know this, because she has worked out an arrangement with a friend who does her laundry. “You scratch my back; I’ll scratch yours.”

Before you get all judgy and start lecturing me on how my daughter should be spending her spare time in a laundry facility, waiting for her clothes to wash and dry, let me remind you that I could have paid a laundry service to do her laundry. Instead, another student is benefitting from the fact that my daughter doesn’t have a personal washer and dryer. And the friend? Well, as part of the bargain, my daughter takes her friend to run errands weekly, since the friend doesn’t have a car. It all works out, and they are both happy.

Remember when we were in college? Lots of us did jobs for extra cash. I typed papers for friends. I had a word processor, and they knew I could type a paper in no time, thanks to my high school typing teacher, Mrs. Ruby Lewis. She taught me well, and I put that skill to work in college. I didn’t get paid in cash, though. I got paid in food, beer, Icees…whatever I needed or wanted at the time. So my friend, Angela, might have brought a paper to me and said, “I need this 10-page paper by tomorrow morning at 8:00. Can you make that happen?” We would discuss the terms, and I would start typing. Angela would likely run to the Corner Store (it was actually called that) and buy me an Icee for me to drink while I worked…plus any snacks or school supplies I requested. When we went out later, she probably bought my dinner and drinks for the night. No cash exchanged hands. She scratched my back, and I scratched hers.

I wish I could have found someone who was willing to do my laundry back then. But I didn’t do my own laundry in college either. I took it to the local Fluff and Fold, which was actually a laundry facility where I paid a nice lady to wash/dry/fold my clothes for me. They charged by the pound, and I didn’t mind paying whatever I had to pay. I needed clean clothes. It worked out nicely for the Fluff and Fold, and it worked out nicely for me.

Recently, on a college parents page, a mom posted, “Can someone recommend a cleaning lady or service to clean my son’s dorm room and bathroom?” You would have thought she was trying to hire a hitman! The judgy moms came out of the woodwork and totally attacked her. I didn’t. I get it. I have even told my daughter it’s fine to pay someone to clean her bathroom if someone needs some extra spending money. I pay someone to clean my house! What’s the difference?!? Isn’t life about finding ways to make things happen? In fact, to the mom on the parents’ page, I said just that. “I think it is absolutely fine to pay someone to clean your college student’s room. I pay someone to clean my house, so why would I hesitate to encourage my daughter to do the same?!?” It’s helping the economy and helping someone else, right? What’s the difference in paying someone to clean your room or type your paper? No one ever had issues with paying someone to type a paper for them! No one has issues with paying someone to walk their dog! No one has issues with paying someone to wash a car!

So, lucky me. I know my daughter is wearing clean clothes. She isn’t having to turn her clothes inside out to keep wearing them for multiple days. She isn’t having to search through the dirty clothes in her laundry bag to decide what’s the least dirty so she can wear it to class. She definitely has clean clothes. Don’t get me wrong. She might opt to wear the same sweatshirt two or three days in a row, but that’s a choice, because I know she always has something clean she can wear.

And you know what else? She even has clean sheets! Can you say the same about your college student? If you’re not sure about that, it might be a good idea for your college student to find a friend who can do a bartering system to get his/her laundry done. Or maybe it’s your child who needs to be driven around to do errands? If so, maybe he/she offers to do someone’s laundry in exchange for a drive to do weekly errands…or a ride to the airport…or whatever.

I know my daughter has taken several friends to the airport an hour away. That’s a good opportunity for her to work out a deal! Maybe she needs someone to bake some cookies for her to take to an event? Or maybe she needs a dress hemmed? “I’ll take you to the airport if you will hem my dress for me next week.”

And despite what the judgy moms of the world think, being able to strike a deal that benefits both people is what makes the world go around! I love when I hear college students are getting creative to get things done! I take no issue with the person who wants to pay someone to clean a dorm room. My own parents thought it was hilarious that I typed papers in exchange for Icees, food, and beer back in the 1980s! I was quite the enterprising young college girl!

Let me know if you need me to type anything for you…especially if you are a good cook. Will type for food.

*

by Kelly Mattei

Teen Wardrobe Controversy

Teen wardrobe controversy.

Recently, one of my favorite psychologists, Lisa Damour, the author of Untangled (see the book on Amazon here), posted something on Facebook about how to address your preteen/teen daughter’s wardrobe choices. And wow! It stirred up some controversy on her Facebook page! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because everything seems to stir up controversy these days. Below is what she posted. And you can listen to the relevant podcast here.

Courtesy of Lisa Damour’s Facebook page

If you have ever read anything I have written, you know I am the mother of a teenage daughter. She’s 18 now…almost 19…and a month into her freshman year of college. She has always been a “real” teenager. She likes to have fun. She likes to spend time with friends. She likes to laugh. She likes to go to parties. Somehow, between all the fun, she manages to do the things she is supposed to do too. Thank the Lord.

She’s the perfect daughter for me, but does that mean she’s perfect? No. I’m not the perfect mother or a perfect person, either. But somehow, we survived the middle and high school years. Does that mean we never disagree? Nope. We disagree. When she was younger, we even disagreed occasionally about wardrobe choices. And just like Lisa Damour, I tried to find a way to say things nicely. Was I always successful? No. Sometimes, I probably said things like, “You look like a hoochie mama.” I know. Not kind words, but they got the point across, and chances are, they probably started a “discussion.”

Even when she was four years old, she had a mind of her own. This is not a story of which I am proud, but it happened. One Sunday morning, as we were getting ready to go to church, I said to our daughter, “Pick out which dress you want to wear.” She argued, “I don’t want to wear a dress. Everyone else doesn’t wear dresses to church.” You know what I said next. “Well, I’m not everyone else’s mother, and we wear dresses to church. Now, go into your closet and pick which one you want to wear.” Her dresses were beautifully organized (back then) and hanging in an orderly fashion in her closet. I followed her into the closet, where she promptly and defiantly touched each dress with the tips of her fingers, while saying some things I won’t repeat. ***Here is where I need to tell you my husband had a brain tumor at the time and because of it, lacked judgment on when and where to say things. He had no filter.*** I’m not kidding. I was horrified (I knew where she had heard it), but I also found myself about to laugh. I made a quick decision to ignore the obvious ploy for attention. I turned my back for a moment before turning around and asking her, “Did you pick a dress?” She did, and I never mentioned the offensive language to her, because I didn’t want it to get any attention. I did, however, tell her preschool teacher (at our church!) the next morning when I dropped her off…gave her a heads up that my daughter, my sweet little 4-yr-old daughter, might teach her classmates some new words. Lord, help us.

We didn’t have much wardrobe controversy for several years after that. I had given up on ruffles and bows long before…when she, at 1 1/2 or 2, declared they were “for babies.” I did manage to get her to wear a hair bow for picture day in Transitional Kindergarten, but only because I told her she could take it out immediately after pictures, which she did. In third grade, on picture day, she didn’t want to look prissy. That was a bit of a battle. We finally agreed, much to my dismay, on a blue t-shirt with a sequined pocket. Sadly, it’s the picture that appeared in the school lunchroom on her checkout page every single day when she made a purchase…all the way through senior year…that damned blue shirt with the sequined pocket.

When she got to middle school, I’m sure I had to veto some ensembles, but not likely because they were skimpy…just not appropriate for the occasion, whatever it might have been.

Then along came high school. She got taller, and the clothes got smaller.

The shorts got shorter and tighter. The shirts got tighter and shorter. The heels got higher. It happens. Frankly, I probably would have been more worried about her if it hadn’t happened. And yes, there were times I had to stop her at the door and say, “You’re not wearing that.”

Some people think we shouldn’t expect our girls to be responsible for what other people think of how they dress. I get it, but I’m not one of those people. I think there is a time and place for everything.

When our daughter was in high school, if she wanted to wear short shorts and a crop top or tube top, that was fine…as long as she is just hanging out with her friends. She didn’t need to walk into better retail establishments dressed like that. She didn’t need to go out to dinner dressed like that. She didn’t need to meet parents of dates dressed like that. It’s simply not appropriate, and I don’t think it gives off the impression she wants to give in those situations.

She’s in college now, so I only get pictures after the fact. I have no say-so. I have no opportunity to nix an outfit choice, but so far, I’ve been pleased with the photos she has sent me. Generally speaking, she knows what is appropriate and what is not.

Come on. Let’s face it. What we wear does say something about us. Every time I get dressed to go somewhere, I am very aware of what I look like. Sometimes, I am dressed like a casual mom, and I know it. Sounds silly, but jeans and a gingham shirt are not going to a fine dining establishment. A comfy, cotton dress? That’s not going either. Sneakers? Nope. I can wear all of those to the grocery store, a sporting event, or for running erands, but if I’m going to a fine dining establishment, I want to dress like I know what I’m doing.

Even when I go to the doctor, I tend to try to dress up a little. It’s about respect, right? I don’t have to be a beauty queen, but don’t we all know people get treated with a little more respect when we look like we have made some effort to look our best? I can’t speak for everyone, but if I look good, I feel good. It’s just the way I roll. If I’m dressed sloppily, I tend to feel sloppy.

So yes, I have been known to stop my daughter from walking out the door dressed in certain ways…when she was younger. Don’t get me wrong…I’m pretty easy going. But if her date’s parents are coming over or picking her up for dinner, she needs to look like she wants their respect. I think this is what school dress codes are all about…teaching kids how to dress appropriately, but most schools don’t seem to care anymore. Later, when our daughter goes for a job interview, she needs to look like she has some self respect.

If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?!?

If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you? That’s my message to her. Fortunately, this is not a conversation we have had much in the past couple of years…mostly when she was a young teen.

So yes, I agreed with Lisa Damour’s post. Not everyone did, and that’s OK. We all have our own opinions, and that’s what makes the world go ’round.