When My Husband Leaves Town

When my husband leaves town.

My husband has been out of town for the past five nights. He is coming home today, and I am looking forward to his return. He will arrive in a couple of hours, and we will catch up on his trip. He will empty his suitcases (yes, plural…he’s a little high maintenance, but that’s a story for another day), and I will start more laundry. He will play with the dogs for a little while, because they will be thrilled that he is home. And then, I’m guessing he will turn on the television to catch up on what’s going on with the stockmarket today.

Yes, he will turn on the TV, because it’s not on. I turned on the TV in the livingroom two times while he was gone, because the dogs were confused at how quiet the house was. The first day I turned it on, I had it on Nickelodeon…yep, Henry Danger reruns all day long! Yesterday, I turned it on to an 80s music station, and I turned it up a little loud, because I was tired of hearing our Doberman whine. She whines, and it drives me insane. She was definitely missing her daddy. When my husband is home, the TVs in the bedroom and livingroom are on for background noise all day. It drives me insane, but it’s what he enjoys. He is definitely a creature of habit, and for a man who claims to like it “quiet” around him, he sure doesn’t mind listening to talking heads on TV all day.

But that’s just one thing that’s different when he’s not home. Another biggie? I leave the curtains closed in our bedroom 24/7, something that would drive him insane. Like I said, he is a creature of habit, and first thing every morning, he gets out of bed and opens all the curtains and shutters throughout the house…starting in our bedroom. In fact, on my side of the bed, there is a small window that faces east, and I have asked him a million times not to open those curtains, because that morning sun heats up the room. It’s like he’s deaf. He simply can’t leave them closed. Or maybe it’s just part of his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and his brain just won’t let him leave them closed. Many mornings, I follow behind him and close the curtains on that window. He even goes upstairs and opens the shutters in the rooms up there…and into the garage to open the shutters there. Whenever he is out of town, in fact, all the drapes and shutters, except the ones in the kitchen and keeping room, remain closed the entire time. It probably confuses the dogs too, now that I think about it, but at least I don’t have to deal with them standing in the bedroom window barking at everything they see outdoors. Plus, when the pool guy comes, I don’t feel like he’s looking in at me. He’s definitely not looking in at me, but I’d prefer to have the world not looking into my bedroom.

Another difference? I stay up as late as I want. My night owl tendencies drive him absolutely insane. I’ve told him many times, “I do my best work after 10pm!” I can clean a closet after 10pm like nobody’s business, but don’t ask me to do it during the day. I’m part vampire, I guess. But when he’s not home? I get to stay up as late as I want…and I do! Every night he was on this trip, I was up well past 1:00am, and several times, I was up past 3:00am. I still got up around 8:00am to feed the dogs and get the day started (with the curtains closed), but I enjoyed staying up late, and I enjoyed watching the movies I wanted to watch! I’m a weirdo (in lots of ways, I’m sure), because I like to watch certain movies on my laptop. I think I pay attention better, because there is nothing between me and the screen to distract my squirrel-chasing brain. He would never watch the movies I watched while he was gone: Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Emma, and Mansfield Park. (All these movies are based on Jane Austen novels and can be watched free with commercials on Amazon Prime or rented without commercials.) It’s a battle that’s simply not worth having. I wouldn’t even enjoy the movies if he were here…in my ear…telling me how boring they were. So I save those movies for when he’s not here.

Also, when he’s not home, I catch up on my phone calls. I was able to sit and talk with my friend, Kristi, in Florida, for hours Saturday. It was awesome! She and I have been friends since college. We have been through a lot together, so it’s always fun to catch up with her, but I can’t stay on the phone for hours when my husband is home! You and I both know husbands are like kids…if we get on the phone, they immediately need our attention!

So now he’s on his way home. He will be here in about an hour. I just finished the laundry, and as soon as he empties his suitcase, I will do his laundry from the trip. He will open all the curtains and shutters. We will sit down and talk. He will play with the dogs and turn on the TV. Life will be “normal” again. And tonight, we will start a fire in the firepit on the back patio and have cocktails while we look for satellites, planets, and constellations in the night sky like the nerds we are. As my friend, Richard, likes to say, “Nerd alert! Nerd alert!”

We will go to bed at a “reasonable” hour, and tomorrow, he will bring me coffee in bed. I’ve missed him.

Facebook Is Like A Nosey Neighbor

Y’all know I love Facebook. I don’t really think it’s like a nosey neighbor. Heck, you don’t have to be nosey to see details of my life on Facebook…I’m putting them out there myself.

But yesterday, my clever, witty friend, Mary Ann, posted this on Facebook:

Facebook is like having nosey neighbors who don’t really like you. They just stay connected to look over the fence and see what you’re doing.

Before I continue, I must say I prefer it to be spelled “nosy,” so that’s how it will be spelled from here on in this piece.

It wasn’t Mary Ann’s original creation. She got it from a site called Kitchen Fun With My 3 Sons. First of all, it made me laugh, and then it made me think. Aren’t we all peering through a window or over a fence into each other’s lives on Facebook? The difference between looking over a fence or peering into a window and Facebook, though, is that, on social media, we control what other people see about our lives. If you have a peeping Tom or a nosy neighbor, you don’t always know what they see, and you can’t always control it.

About ten years ago, a friend (I’m keeping her name private, to protect the innocent) moved to a new house. She left behind some beloved neighbors, and when she settled into her new home, she discovered her new next-door neighbor was Gladys Kravitz. If you don’t know who Gladys Kravitz is, you never watched the television show, Bewitched. On the show, Mrs. Kravitz was the ultimate nosy neighbor. So my friend’s neighbor wasn’t actually Gladys Kravitz, but she was a real-life, 21st century version of her.

They had a privacy fence between the backyards of the two houses, and occasionally, when my friend was outside, she would catch a glimpse of “Mrs. Kravitz” peering over the fence or between the slats. One day, she called me and said, “I wish I could think of something to shock her.” Well, she had come to the right friend! It became my mission to find the perfect thing to shock Mrs. Kravitz. Sure, we could have gone with a life-size nude statue. But that would have been a little heavy…and probably expensive. Instead, we devised a plan.

My friend went to her local discount store and purchased a rotary clothesline, putting it up in her backyard. (You can purchase them at Amazon here.)I went online to search for the perfect thing to hang on it. I knew I’d be able to find it somewhere, because years before, my brother had caught some that were tossed from a Mardi Gras float in Mobile. After some searching, I found it, ordered it, and had it shipped to my friend.

When she received the package, she called me, laughing hysterically. I said, “Go hang them up! Hurry! I want Gladys Kravitz to see them the next time she looks over there! But you have to sit outside till you get her reaction.”

And she did. She walked outside, and on the clothesline, she hung up the most gigantic pair of red panties one could ever imagine…so big that no one could possibly wear them.

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She called me and said, “It’s done! Those panties look like a big ol’ butt-shaped flag flapping in the breeze!” And she waited. After an hour or so, she heard Gladys Kravitz walk out her back door. Mrs. Kravitz was talking on the phone as she wandered around her yard. My friend was sitting out of sight, but she called me as soon as she heard Mrs. Kravitz. After a few minutes, she knew Mrs. Kravitz had peeked over the fence, because she heard her say to whoever was on the other end of the phone line, “My word! You wouldn’t believe what’s hanging in my crazy neighbor’s yard!”

We laughed and laughed, even though my friend had to keep down the volume of her laughter. I remember her whispering, “I’m the crazy neighbor! I always wanted to be the crazy neighbor!” But Mrs. Kravitz had no idea those gigantic panties had been hung outside for her viewing pleasure. My friend eventually took down the panties, but she left them up long enough for Mrs. Kravitz to get angry about them. She knew she was angry, because she would hear her grumbling through the fence. Unfortunately, this was before every cell phone in America was a smart phone, so there is no photographic evidence.

When I saw Mary Ann’s post about how Facebook is like having nosy neighbors, I responded, “The key lies in giving them PLENTY to look at! You wanna peek over the fence? I’ll give you a reason to peek over the fence!”

But of course, I love Facebook. I don’t think of my Facebook friends as nosy neighbors. I love that they share their lives with me, and I love sharing mine too. After all, when I run into them, we don’t have to do the cocktail party chat. We can converse about real life…or at least the life we put on Facebook. And we can laugh about our nosy neighbors!

***If you have a nosy neighbor you’d like to shock, you can purchase Big Momma Panties at Amazon.com here.***

 

 

 

 

 

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