The food your…er, vacation.

I don’t know what it is about me, but the older I get, the more food-centric my vacations become.

We just returned home from a week-long trip to Southern California. Starting a month before we went, I was making phone calls to make sure we secured reservations at our favorite restaurants. It’s a familiar refrain. We travel to SoCal a few times a year, and there are several “must do” restaurants, so I have it all down to a science…starting 30 days in advance.

This trip we managed to hit all our favorites and even added a new favorite or two. We know which restaurant we like for Asian fusion. We know which restaurant we prefer for steak. We know which one we prefer for seafood. We know which one we like for comfort food. We know where our favorite desserts are. And now we have a new “boujie” favorite.

Interestingly, we are pretty low-maintenance most of the time. In “real life,” I’m happy to have a simple salad or sandwich most days. I meet friends for lunch a couple of times a week, but we don’t always do the “boujie” lunch…occasionally, but certainly not always. In fact, tomorrow, I’m meeting a friend at Arthur’s, a restaurant on the bottom floor of our local Belk store. It is a locally-owned restaurant that has been open for 40 years, and everyone I know who grew up in Charlotte has a story about Arthur’s to tell from their high school days. It’s not fancy. It’s certainly not boujie, but it’s good comfort food. Personally, I love their French fries. My friend, Jennifer, who grew up here, loves their Turkey Grinder. I have to admit it’s pretty good. Their burgers are fantastic, and I have another friend, a native Charlottean, who swears by their cheesesteak sandwich.

I even go on vacations to more laid-back places (small islands in the Bahamas or beach towns along the Gulf of Mexico) where I know the local dives serve the best food.

But in SoCal? It’s all about the food…and the people-watching…because really, who doesn’t love to see a celebrity or two? I will admit, I am a stargazer. I’m not a rabid fan. In fact, I have seen lots of celebrities and even met lots of them, but I rarely “fangirl.” I have gone a little “fangirl” a couple of times, but seriously…only a couple. My daughter loves that I can spot a celeb; it takes a special eye. I just happen to be a face person. Lots of people in the world are “surroundings” people, but I’m not one of them. You might remember what color the walls are in a room, but I’m going to remember the faces of the people I see there. And that’s why I’m a good star-spotter…because I look at faces. In fact, on this most recent trip, I spotted a celeb from a favorite teen movie from the 1980s (Ben Stein), a very famous rapper (Nelly), an Academy Award winner (Nicholas Cage), and a recently reunited celebrity couple (Bennifer!). And every time, I had to point them out to my daughter and her friend. They wouldn’t have even seen them if I hadn’t made them aware.

But back to the food. We had reservations every night of our stay. A couple of nights I skipped out so the girls (they’re 18) didn’t have to be accompanied by a parent while they dined. I remember 18, and I know how important it is to feel independent. One night I had a migraine anyway. But there were certain restaurants I was not going to miss. One favorite is on the beach in Malibu…incredible food and exciting atmosphere. Another favorite is in the hotel where we stay…nice people in a beautiful setting, and the best dessert in town. We added a new “boujie” lunch option this time after seeing it on a friend’s Instagram. My daughter and her friend had “order envy” when my lunch arrived. They ordered burgers but I ordered “Risotto disguised as a pizza.” And it was fantastic. We have reasons beyond food for dining at certain restaurants, but even with good atmosphere, the food has to be acceptable. Also, because I have gallbladder issues (having surgery for that on July 14…it has been delayed several times), I rarely eat red meat. I try to eat fish and chicken for protein, so I love places that have great fish and chicken dishes. And Southern California has lots of great options.

We flew home late Tuesday night…fat and happy. I probably shouldn’t eat anything for two weeks. I likely need to go running every day for two weeks…or more. And I have taken it easy on the eating. I will say this: it was worth it. We simply can’t get the same kind of food in North Carolina. We live in a lovely city in a great state, but “nothing comes close to the Golden Coast” where food is concerned.

So yes, we enjoyed our vacation…also known as “the food tour.”

I wish I hadn’t said that.

Seriously. I have said this to myself a million times. Maybe I accidentally offended someone with something I said. Or maybe I struck back hard (verbally) at someone who, I felt, had struck at me first. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I used inappropriate language. Maybe I was sick or tired…and I was snippy. Maybe I wasn’t sick or tired, but I was snippy for some other reason. Maybe I said something ugly I shouldn’t have said. Or maybe I repeated something I shouldn’t have repeated. It happens…not just to me. It happens to lots of people, unless they’re living in a cave…alone…with no one else around to talk to.

No matter what the different situations were, there have been lots of times I have wished I had kept my big mouth shut.

I’m guessing everyone on the planet has said something they wish they hadn’t said. Unfortunately, once we put words out there, we can’t reel them back in. It’s a lesson we should all learn as children, but sometimes we make mistakes.

I was talking with a teenager the other day who told me she regretted some things she did and said when she was younger. She told me some of the things she regretted…most were silly, elementary-school type things. And that’s when I took a moment to tell her that, even at 54, I still say and do things I regret. Many times, I look back on things I have said or done, and I know I could have handled things differently. It’s just part of life. We like to think we learn all the lessons we can ever learn, but I know really nice, good-hearted, genuine people who tell me they often wish they had handled different situations differently.

A friend was telling me just yesterday how her Mama Bear instinct had kicked in on a situation with her daughter, and she had interceded where she shouldn’t have. I get it. I have been there. I have done that. That Mama Bear instinct is fierce. People who have never been a Mama don’t understand just how strong that instinct is. And even some Mamas don’t have the same strength of instinct as others. My friend said she can recall lots of times she lashed out over situations involving her kids…and she cringes. Again…been there, done that…I wonder how many hours of my life have been spent cringing over something I have said.

I’m certainly not perfect. I’m not a perfect person. I’m not a perfect parent. I’m not a perfect friend. I try, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me. But if anyone tries to tell me I’m the only crazy mom out there, I will laugh. I know I’m not the only one. I know every mom out there is capable of doing whatever it takes to keep her baby from getting hurt. But in most of the cases in which I have interceded, I have regretted it. In almost every instance, I later wished I had just stepped back and let things play out. Protecting our kids is not always helpful. Why? Because as painful as it may be, they need to learn to protect themselves. And honestly, in hindsight, I wasn’t always interceding on my daughter’s behalf…it simply felt like it at the time. But often, I found I was interceding because of my own beliefs…not hers. She usually didn’t even care about what was happening, but I did. I’m cringing again right now.

So yes, those regrets continue throughout life. Even today…this very day…I regret something I said to my husband. I was in a hurry to get somewhere, and he was slowing me down with a conversation…I got snippy. Instead of asking him nicely if we could discuss it later, I said, “I’m trying to get out the door! Can’t this wait?!?” I ended up apologizing later. Fortunately, he accepted my apology…probably because he has to live with me for “as long as we both shall live.” Forgiveness is key.

It’s important to remember that forgiveness is key in all these situations. We all live in “glass houses.” We all hurt people sometimes. We should all be forgiving. And we also have to learn to forgive ourselves.

So when I offend you…I can almost guarantee it will happen at some time if we are ever around each other…I will likely ask for forgiveness if I’m aware that I have hurt you. If you’re not the forgiving type, we don’t need to be friends anyway, because I am definitely the forgiving type. I only hope my friends will offer me the same courtesy I would offer them in a situation. I tell people all the time, “You have to try to offend me…and you have to try many times before it becomes an issue.”

And if you’re my friend for very long, you’ll hear me say at least once, “I wish I hadn’t said that.” Maybe I should just carry cards in my handbag that say, “Please forgive me for _____________. I wish I hadn’t said/done that.” I can hand them out after I realize I’ve likely offended someone.

I wish I hadn’t said that.

***I wrote this when my daughter was 14 and never published it. Found it today and remembered this conversation that made me laugh.***

Recently, my daughter was telling me how much she would rather be participating in something one of her friends is participating in than what she was doing at the time. It was the same old song and dance, “Bertha (not a real person) says it’s great.”

I responded with, “I hear what you’re saying. I know you think Bertha’s activity is more fun, but you need to remember, the grass is always greener over the septic tank.”

She looked at me, puzzled. “What does that even mean?”

Of course, she has no idea what it means, because she has no idea what a septic tank is. So first, I had to explain what a septic tank is. She made that ugly face teens make when they think something is disgusting. I then tried to explain the septic field to her, but she didn’t want to get that in-depth, and she again asked what my statement meant.

I explained that sometimes, concrete septic tanks form cracks in them, and a little bit of what’s inside seeps into the surrounding area…causing the grass above to grow a little greener. It was easier to explain it that way than to get into the mechanics of a septic field. Of course, that elicited an “ewww.” I explained the meaning of the saying this way, “Sometimes you see green grass (or hear about green grass) and that lush, green grass is beautiful, but what’s really underneath is just a lot of poop. That means someone might be telling you how great their life/job/school/relationship is, but you can’t see what’s underneath, and it might really be bad, but it looks good from the outside. You can’t see the poop, but it’s there.”

She understood poop talk, of course. I’m sure my explanation left a mark on her memory. She likely wishes she hadn’t asked. I was just glad we could stop talking about septic tanks, even though I was the one who mentioned them in the first place.

Y’all know I totally stole that saying from Erma Bombeck, about whom I’ve written before. Thank God for Erma. I’m reading her books now, and hopefully, I’ll find some more words of wisdom I can use on my daughter from time to time…especially ones that contain bathroom humor. Teenagers totally understand that.

For now, though, I”ll just keep using, “The grass is always greener over the septic tank,” and if she keeps doubting what I’m telling her, I might have to make her get into the car. We might have to drive a long way to find a septic tank for me to prove it to her. I don’t know exactly how far outside Charlotte that will be, but I’m willing to do it to make a point.

Or I guess I could make her watch The Wizard of Oz with me again. We would have to watch the whole movie to get to the point in the story where they pull back the curtain on the “wizard,” revealing that things aren’t always what they seem. I’m still a little afraid of those flying monkeys though, so that will have a to be a last resort.

And maybe one day I’ll have an opportunity to explain to her what a grease trap is and tell her about the time our neighbor’s dog fell into ours while it was being cleaned! Ewwww!

Let’s get patted down.

Yesterday, when I was preparing to return to Charlotte from Montego Bay on a flight today, I was having a lot of difficulty with the Verifly app. I couldn’t get it to work for me, while all the other people in our group (high school senior spring break) were zooming right through the flight check-in process on their apps. I was frustrated and wasted a lot of time before finally giving up. I knew I could check in at the airport, so I wasn’t terribly concerned.

I should have known better.

When I arrived at the airport three hours before my international flight, I went straight to the American Airlines Priority line and got checked in. And that’s when I saw it: the dreaded SSSS on my boarding pass. For those who don’t know, if your airline boarding pass shows SSSS on it, it means you have been selected, for some reason unknown to you, to be subjected to a full bag check and pat down. I groaned audibly, and my daughter asked what was wrong. I told her, “I’m going to be pulled for extra security check.” She rolled her eyes. Was she surprised? No. She had encountered this with me many times. I have been flagged more times than I can count.

I have done everything I can to make the travel gods know I’m not a criminal. Sure, I drive slightly over the speed limit sometimes, but that’s about it. I even come to a full stop at all stop signs…unlike most people I know. I have TSA Precheck, for goodness sakes, but sometimes, they just don’t care. I guess they like looking at my underwear.

It has actually been a while since I have seen that dreaded SSSS…so long, in fact, that I was shocked to see it this time. Before I had TSA Precheck, I had SSSS on my boarding pass every time I flew. The first few times, it was frustrating. After about the 20th, it just made me flat-out angry. And today…I was angry. Really? I’m a short, middle-aged mom from Charlotte. I don’t look threatening. Nothing in my past makes me look threatening. Big Brother clearly hasn’t watched closely enough to realize just how boring I am. I just don’t understand it. And that’s why it makes me angry. It’s pretty frustrating to be in Group 1 for boarding but have to stand aside to be searched while groups 2, 3, and 4 fill up the overhead bin space. And it’s frustrating to have someone pull your dirty laundry out for everyone to see…literally, your dirty laundry. Add the fact that something inevitably gets lost…today it was a pen and a book…both disappeared after they searched my bags. Oh, and did I mention they were soooo slow? One girl was searching the first bag while the other one watched till I said, “Really? Can’t you be searching the second bag while she searches this one, so I don’t miss out on the overhead bin space altogether?” She actually said, “Everyone gets the space above their seat.” I literally laughed out loud. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, honey, and those dogs are eating your overhead bin space.

If you don’t understand the frustration, you clearly have not had to endure it. Shoes off…standing on a nasty floor where you’re likely to pick up a fungus. Someone feeling you up without buying you dinner…someone you don’t even know, in fact! People boarding the plane ahead of you and looking at you like you’re a criminal. People going through your personal belongings and then getting some of your dirty laundry caught in the zipper of your suitcase when they try to close it back. Because yes, I expect them to close it back. You open it…you close it…and good luck with that. Ugh. And then you board the plane and pray there will be overhead space. It’s frustrating and maddening. And now that it has happened again, it is likely to keep happening to me. I probably need to take an anti-anxiety med before going to the airport from now on.

So if you have trouble checking in for a flight online, it might be because you’ve been flagged. If you check in and see SSSS on your boarding pass, prepare yourself for what’s ahead…a thorough bag check and a pat down. You can ask for all of it to be done privately, but then you just lose more time. Just suffer through it and be on your merry way. If you’d like to read more about the dreaded SSSS, click here. And if you would like to apply for a government redress number to possibly avoid this in the future, read more about it here. It is one reason you need to get to the airport well ahead of your flight time.

Today, I finally boarded the plane and found I had superhuman strength from the angry adrenaline when I lifted my luggage into the one space left in the overhead bin near my seat. Honestly, I think I might have just sat down and cried if it hadn’t been available. It was a long trip. Not long in time, but I was feeling really under the weather most of the time, and it was a group. The people in the group were absolutely lovely, but generally speaking, I just don’t do group travel. I like my travel to be more my own thing. I like to make my own plans and do my own thing. I’m kind of selfish about my travel, because well, it’s what I like to do, and I’m particular about how I do it. I guess I “don’t play well with others,” so whatever viral thing I have made it a struggle…not COVID…I tested negative for that. This trip wasn’t about me, anyway. It was about the high school seniors, and they had a blast.

Let’s get patted down.