Category / daughter

by Kelly Mattei

First College Birthday

First college birthday.

If you’ve ever read me, you know our daughter is a college freshman. She experienced her first college birthday yesterday, when she turned 19. Let’s hope it didn’t set a precedent for college birthdays.

She called me at 7:00 yesterday morning, the morning of her birthday, saying, “I woke up a little while ago and can’t go back to sleep.” She is more of a night owl than an early bird, and 7am is way too early for her to just “be awake.” I knew something was wrong. Because I knew she had been coughing a sniffling a little for a couple of days, I said, “Go get the thermometer out of your cabinet. I feel pretty sure you are running a fever.” Moms know these things. She checked her temperature, and sure enough, I was right…she had a fever of 100.9…a legit fever. I knew she had a COVID test in her supplies too, because I had purchased them along with $700 of other medical supplies before moving her into her dorm, so I said, “Take the test real quick, just to rule it out.” As soon as she had the negative result, I said, “Take some Tylenol and go back to bed.”

Seriously, it’s hard for a college student to be sick in a dorm instead of their own bed at home…especially a freshman, but not gonna lie…it’s hard for the moms too. I wanted to jump in the car or on a plane and get there as quickly as I could. I asked, “You need a mommy hug! Do you want me to come down and get us a hotel room for a few days? I can take care of you!” I explained that since my husband was out of town, it would have to be the next day, because I would need to board the dogs and get things in order, but I could do it. She said, “Absolutely not. I will be fine. I’ll figure it out, Mom.” I guess I did something right as a parent…somewhere, somehow, I taught her to “figure it out.”

She called me a few hours later and said she was feeling better and had gone to her 10:00 class. I knew it was the Tylenol in her system making her feel better, so I explained to her that she was likely to “hit a wall” soon. It was time for the meds to wear off, so I told her what else to take at that point.

It was sad. She had big plans for her birthday. She managed to drag herself to the Big/Little Reveal at her sorority house that evening, but she didn’t feel like going out to celebrate. Fortunately, she has made some great friends since she arrived on campus two months ago, and they went out and brought her a cookie cake to celebrate her birthday. They had all planned to go out to dinner, but that birthday dinner was postponed. And my daughter texted me, declaring her birthday a “do over.”

I’ve had “do over” birthdays, so I get it, and seriously, shouldn’t we all have the right to declare our birthday a do over?!? I think her “do over” has been rescheduled for this coming Saturday night. In reality, that will probably work better for her and all her friends, since it’s a weekend. They won’t have to worry about staying out late, because they don’t have class the next morning.

But last night, she called me after surviving her sick-away-from-home birthday and said, “I’m going to watch a movie and go to bed. What should I take?” I told her to take some NyQuil, and she took it while we were on the phone. Laughing between coughs and sniffles, she said, “I never thought I’d be taking a shot of NyQuil on my birthday.” After taking it, she settled in to watch Sense and Sensibility, a movie I have been trying to get her to watch, because it is one of my favorites of all time. Emma Thompson adapted the screenplay from the Jane Austen novel, and she did a fabulous job…plus, she’s the star. It’s an incredible film. My daughter, I think, is very much like the Marianne character. I want her to watch it to see the similarities and how Marianne changes in the story. I knew she would fall asleep before the first scene was over, because she had taken the NyQuil, but at least she was willing to try to watch it. Maybe I can get her to sit down and watch it tonight without NyQuil. ***You can rent or purchase Sense and Sensibility (the one from 1996) at Amazon Prime here.***

I’m just glad our favorite girl seems to be on the road to recovery. Maybe the illness kept her from getting into some kind of trouble or accident on her birthday? I like to try to find “sliding doors” (a reference to a movie called Sliding Doors, starring Gwyneth Paltrow, and you can also rent this on Amazon Prime here) logic in things, meaning little things that happen to change the timing on things can change the course of life. She’ll celebrate her birthday with friends this weekend, and when I get to town in about ten days, I’ll take her out to dinner with some of her friends…or not, if she’d rather just the two of us hang out.

I think it’s safe to say she will remember her first college birthday…the one that included taking a shot…of NyQuil. She was sick on her fourth birthday too…strep throat…and it made a lasting impression. I took her to a Disney on Ice Show, even though she had strep, because we weren’t going to be around anyone…and she threw up all over herself while we were there. She still talks about it. That one was a “do over” too.

Making memories…somehow those “not so great” birthdays make an impression.

by Kelly Mattei

The Door is Always Open

The door is always open.

It’s Saturday. It’s a college football weekend, and one of my daughter’s friends just came in for a visit. It’s a friend who went to a different high school here in Charlotte, but she’s also a friend Milly had as a toddler, so we’ve known her for a long time. I saw on the BeReal app last night that she was home, when I saw a picture of her in her living room with her parents. *If you’re not familiar with BeReal, it’s an app through which you take a picture showing what you’re doing when it sends you a notification at the same time it sends all your friends a notification. Not only does it take your picture, but it takes a picture of what’s in front of you, too. Kind of cool.*

After seeing her BeReal post, I texted her, “Omg! You’re in Charlotte?!?” She texted back, “Yes! I’ll come see you tomorrow!” And from there we made plans for her to come over between 3:30 and 4:00 this afternoon. I was excited. I haven’t seen her in a couple of months…since before all the new college freshmen (like my daughter) left for college. At about 3:30 today, I stuck a small brie wheel in the oven and put together a charcuterie board…one of my favorite things to do. Plus, everyone can find something to eat on a charcuterie board, right? At 3:45, the doorbell rang, and I literally ran to the door to greet her with a big hug. Two months is a long time when you’re used to seeing someone on a regular basis. I then went into the kitchen and took the charcuterie board to the table. The brie was ready to come out of the oven, so I took it out and drizzled creamy caramel sauce over it and around it, adding spiced pecans around the edges before taking it to the table.

And then we talked…and laughed…and talked and laughed some more.

I remember when I was in high school, and my parents would tell me how much older people (parents) love when younger people (their kids’ friends) make an effort to spend time with them. I literally remember them telling me that. And now I’m living it. I was so flattered that this young lady took some time out of her weekend to come laugh with me. We have known her most of her life, and I absolutely adore her, so it was great to catch up with her. She got me up to speed on her freshman year, and I was thrilled to hear she is doing great.

We even Facetimed my daughter who is visiting my friend, Angela, in Montgomery today. Her college is playing an away game, and according to my daughter, lots of people left town, so she went to see Angela. Just like I was thrilled to have the friend visit, Angela was thrilled to have my daughter come in. We all Facetimed together, laughing and taking screenshots during our conversation. I could see the happiness on Angela’s face, and she could see the happiness on mine! I remember even when I was in my forties, my mother was always so happy anytime I visited and Angela came over. Laughter filled the house, and Mother always said it felt like we were in college again. She loved it. Today, I felt like I had one of “my kids” at home again. It warmed my heart to have her here, if only for a little while…truly made my weekend.

So if you have never told your kids how much parents enjoy visits from their kids’ friends, tell them now. I hope more of our daughter’s friends will visit when they are in town, and I’m really looking forward to the Thanksgiving break and the big holiday break, when we can hopefully have groups of them over, and laughter will fill our house again. I hope they’ll visit.

The sweet young lady who visited today has no idea just how happy that visit made me. Her mother and I are friends, so I will text her and tell her how much I enjoyed the visit…and how flattered I am.

Looking forward to more visits from young friends to liven up our house.

The door is always open.

by Kelly Mattei

Visiting Our Daughter in College

Visiting our daughter in college.

This past weekend, I went to visit our daughter in college. If you have read anything I have written lately, you already know she is a freshman at my alma mater. In fact, you probably know she participated in sorority recruitment and pledged. You probably know she had a medical emergency soon thereafter, and soon after that, she was in an automobile accident while I was out of the country. That was a couple of weeks ago. I would say it has been a couple of quiet weeks since, but I don’t want to jinx it, so I’m not going to say it.

I arrived in Tuscaloosa (she goes to the University of Alabama) Friday evening and checked into the hotel, prepared to go to the football game against Vanderbilt Saturday. We do not have season tickets to the games, because we usually only go to a game or two a year, but I do have connections to get good seats, so I scored some club level seats for four of us…my daughter and a friend, me, and my friend, Angela.

For those who don’t know, it’s commonplace for freshmen girls to have dates with freshmen boys for the football games at Alabama. Our daughter had a date for Saturday’s game, so I knew I probably wouldn’t see much of her before the game, and I might not see her much during the game either. In talking with some other parents before the game, I discovered lots of parents don’t know that. One mom said she couldn’t believe she had traveled all the way from Virginia to see her daughter, and she was barely spending time with her. But I was prepared. I knew that would be the case. Heck, I barely saw her when she was still living at home! Plus, I remember college. I remember just wanting to be in the thick of things. I loved my parents, but hanging out with “old people” when I could be having fun? That was not on my agenda. It’s not on my daughter’s agenda either!

And as my friend, Lauren, says about our daughter, “The wind wasn’t blowing hard the day that apple fell from the tree!” Honestly, I had fun in college, but our daughter is a lot more fun and less reserved than I was. She just flies by the seat of her pants, and she doesn’t want to miss a thing. So was it a big surprise to me that she didn’t want to spend every moment with me? Not at all.

Truly, I decided the trip down to Alabama was really for my own peace of mind. She didn’t care if I visited or not. Do some parents get their feelings hurt by that? I’m sure they do. But I told our girl in advance that I didn’t expect her to spend a lot of time with me. I told her I wanted her to do what she wanted, but I’d love to have a meal or two with her.

Here’s the funny thing: I am absolutely thrilled that she didn’t want to spend lots of time with me. You can think I’m crazy, but let me explain. It goes back to the old “no news is good news.” If she doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with me, it means she is happy where she is. It’s not that she doesn’t care about me. It means she is so secure in the knowledge that I love her that she feels free to do what she wants. I’m cool with it. I think I wrote once about something I heard Dr. Lisa Damour, a well-known author and psychologist say. She compared the world to a big swimming pool, and the edge of the pool represents parents. Our kids dive into the pool (the world) and swim right out. Sometimes, they get tired or scared, and they swim back over to hold onto the edge of the pool (parents) for a few minutes. But soon, they’re swimming back out to the middle of the action. That’s my daughter in the world right now…except she isn’t swimming over to the edge very often…and that means she is feeling pretty confident about her swimming ability!

Before the game, my daughter and her best friend were with their dates at their fraternity house. I was visiting friends in other places on campus. I had “transferred” two digital tickets to my daughter, so we didn’t have to wait for her to go into the stadium. Angela and I went to the stadium a little while before game time, and at about kickoff, my daughter and her friend came strolling into the club…starving. So they grabbed some food from the buffet and sat down with us for a few minutes before going to their game seats, where we joined them a little while later. At halftime, they announced they were going back to join their dates, and we didn’t see them again that night. Our team won, and we left the stadium happy. The next day, we all had brunch together, and after all the fun had died down Sunday night, she went out to dinner with me and then came over to the hotel and watched a movie with me, snuggled up in bed, just like old times.

All of this is my long way of saying that if you visit your child at college and he/she doesn’t spend a lot of time with you, say a prayer of thanks. Be thankful that they are so happy where they are and so comfortable in their relationship with you. Be happy that they are out swimming in the middle of the pool all by themselves! There will still be times they need to swim back to the edge, but it’s not today.

I’m saying my prayer of thanks right now.

*If you’re interested in reading some of Lisa Damour’s books, you can purchase them on Amazon here.*

by Kelly Mattei

Teen Wardrobe Controversy

Teen wardrobe controversy.

Recently, one of my favorite psychologists, Lisa Damour, the author of Untangled (see the book on Amazon here), posted something on Facebook about how to address your preteen/teen daughter’s wardrobe choices. And wow! It stirred up some controversy on her Facebook page! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because everything seems to stir up controversy these days. Below is what she posted. And you can listen to the relevant podcast here.

Courtesy of Lisa Damour’s Facebook page

If you have ever read anything I have written, you know I am the mother of a teenage daughter. She’s 18 now…almost 19…and a month into her freshman year of college. She has always been a “real” teenager. She likes to have fun. She likes to spend time with friends. She likes to laugh. She likes to go to parties. Somehow, between all the fun, she manages to do the things she is supposed to do too. Thank the Lord.

She’s the perfect daughter for me, but does that mean she’s perfect? No. I’m not the perfect mother or a perfect person, either. But somehow, we survived the middle and high school years. Does that mean we never disagree? Nope. We disagree. When she was younger, we even disagreed occasionally about wardrobe choices. And just like Lisa Damour, I tried to find a way to say things nicely. Was I always successful? No. Sometimes, I probably said things like, “You look like a hoochie mama.” I know. Not kind words, but they got the point across, and chances are, they probably started a “discussion.”

Even when she was four years old, she had a mind of her own. This is not a story of which I am proud, but it happened. One Sunday morning, as we were getting ready to go to church, I said to our daughter, “Pick out which dress you want to wear.” She argued, “I don’t want to wear a dress. Everyone else doesn’t wear dresses to church.” You know what I said next. “Well, I’m not everyone else’s mother, and we wear dresses to church. Now, go into your closet and pick which one you want to wear.” Her dresses were beautifully organized (back then) and hanging in an orderly fashion in her closet. I followed her into the closet, where she promptly and defiantly touched each dress with the tips of her fingers, while saying some things I won’t repeat. ***Here is where I need to tell you my husband had a brain tumor at the time and because of it, lacked judgment on when and where to say things. He had no filter.*** I’m not kidding. I was horrified (I knew where she had heard it), but I also found myself about to laugh. I made a quick decision to ignore the obvious ploy for attention. I turned my back for a moment before turning around and asking her, “Did you pick a dress?” She did, and I never mentioned the offensive language to her, because I didn’t want it to get any attention. I did, however, tell her preschool teacher (at our church!) the next morning when I dropped her off…gave her a heads up that my daughter, my sweet little 4-yr-old daughter, might teach her classmates some new words. Lord, help us.

We didn’t have much wardrobe controversy for several years after that. I had given up on ruffles and bows long before…when she, at 1 1/2 or 2, declared they were “for babies.” I did manage to get her to wear a hair bow for picture day in Transitional Kindergarten, but only because I told her she could take it out immediately after pictures, which she did. In third grade, on picture day, she didn’t want to look prissy. That was a bit of a battle. We finally agreed, much to my dismay, on a blue t-shirt with a sequined pocket. Sadly, it’s the picture that appeared in the school lunchroom on her checkout page every single day when she made a purchase…all the way through senior year…that damned blue shirt with the sequined pocket.

When she got to middle school, I’m sure I had to veto some ensembles, but not likely because they were skimpy…just not appropriate for the occasion, whatever it might have been.

Then along came high school. She got taller, and the clothes got smaller.

The shorts got shorter and tighter. The shirts got tighter and shorter. The heels got higher. It happens. Frankly, I probably would have been more worried about her if it hadn’t happened. And yes, there were times I had to stop her at the door and say, “You’re not wearing that.”

Some people think we shouldn’t expect our girls to be responsible for what other people think of how they dress. I get it, but I’m not one of those people. I think there is a time and place for everything.

When our daughter was in high school, if she wanted to wear short shorts and a crop top or tube top, that was fine…as long as she is just hanging out with her friends. She didn’t need to walk into better retail establishments dressed like that. She didn’t need to go out to dinner dressed like that. She didn’t need to meet parents of dates dressed like that. It’s simply not appropriate, and I don’t think it gives off the impression she wants to give in those situations.

She’s in college now, so I only get pictures after the fact. I have no say-so. I have no opportunity to nix an outfit choice, but so far, I’ve been pleased with the photos she has sent me. Generally speaking, she knows what is appropriate and what is not.

Come on. Let’s face it. What we wear does say something about us. Every time I get dressed to go somewhere, I am very aware of what I look like. Sometimes, I am dressed like a casual mom, and I know it. Sounds silly, but jeans and a gingham shirt are not going to a fine dining establishment. A comfy, cotton dress? That’s not going either. Sneakers? Nope. I can wear all of those to the grocery store, a sporting event, or for running erands, but if I’m going to a fine dining establishment, I want to dress like I know what I’m doing.

Even when I go to the doctor, I tend to try to dress up a little. It’s about respect, right? I don’t have to be a beauty queen, but don’t we all know people get treated with a little more respect when we look like we have made some effort to look our best? I can’t speak for everyone, but if I look good, I feel good. It’s just the way I roll. If I’m dressed sloppily, I tend to feel sloppy.

So yes, I have been known to stop my daughter from walking out the door dressed in certain ways…when she was younger. Don’t get me wrong…I’m pretty easy going. But if her date’s parents are coming over or picking her up for dinner, she needs to look like she wants their respect. I think this is what school dress codes are all about…teaching kids how to dress appropriately, but most schools don’t seem to care anymore. Later, when our daughter goes for a job interview, she needs to look like she has some self respect.

If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?!?

If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you? That’s my message to her. Fortunately, this is not a conversation we have had much in the past couple of years…mostly when she was a young teen.

So yes, I agreed with Lisa Damour’s post. Not everyone did, and that’s OK. We all have our own opinions, and that’s what makes the world go ’round.

by Kelly Mattei

I’m Such a Smart Empty-Nester

I’m such a smart empty-nester!

Want me to tell you how much I know about empty nesting? Here’s how smart I am: I know absolutely nothing…nada…diddly. But the fact that I realize I know nothing about it makes me absolutely brilliant.

Remember when your kids were toddlers? You had survived the whole newborn and infancy thing, and so you felt pretty confident going into toddlerhood? And then, BAM…your kid knocked you right back into reality with a tantrum…or climbing up the stairs on the outside of the rail (it happened)…or pushed another kid down…or hurled a plate of food across the room.

Well, empty-nesting is a lot like that. Just when you move your kid into his/her new dorm or apartment, you think, “Wow! I got this! I am a pro! My kid is officially launched into adulthood, and my life is my own!”

Wrong…wrong…wrong.

What they forgot to tell you when you brought that child into the world is that your life will never be your own…never, ever again.

My husband and I were stupid enough to think we would get our daughter moved into college, and everything would be rainbows and confetti afterward. Nope. We could not have been more wrong. Soon after we dropped her off, she developed an infection where she had a heel blister, and because the doctor was afraid it would move into her Achilles’ tendon, she had to get an antibiotic injection, take oral antibiotics, and use a topical gel. Crisis averted. That was our first gut punch letting us know how stupid we are.

Soon thereafter, we went on vacation to the Bahamas thinking everything was great. We came home, and I had gallbladder surgery. I took a week to recover, and then, I went on a cruise with a friend from my college days. We had a great time. And then…the last night of the cruise, I received a call that our daughter had been in a car accident. Everything ended up being fine, but wow! Things were not going as expected.

That was just last weekend.

My husband and I had planned to leave this Tuesday to go to the Bahamas again but canceled the trip when we received a call that the resort restaurants were closed till November 1. At first, I was annoyed, but then it looked like Hurricane Fiona was going to move through the Bahamas this upcoming week, and I was glad we had canceled.

Here is the thing: we thought empty-nesting would be a walk in the park, but every plan we have made has been changed somewhere along the way. So I finally realized something: the only constant is change.

If you want to have a good empty-nesting experience, prepare to be flexible.

If you want to have a good empty-nesting experience, prepare to be flexible. That vacation you have planned? It might not happen, and if it does, you might have to come home early to help your newly launched child with a problem. Sleeping well at night? Don’t expect it to last. You’re likely to get at least one jarring late night call. Think you know where your college-age kid is all the time? Bahahahahaha…think again.

Here is how you will know you are a smart empty nester…

You will know you are a smart empty-nester when you realize and can admit to all your friends that you have no idea what you are doing and you likely won’t ever know. If we could have just admitted this freely when our kids were toddlers, we would be a lot better off. If I could have just said all along that I am learning on the job (as a parent), and I am an absolute novice, I would have looked like the smartest parent in the history of the world.

As it is, I had to learn that I don’t know a damn thing.

If you’re going to be an empty-nester soon, hold onto your hat. Enjoy the ride, because you will never know what is around the corner…just like when your kids were infants, toddlers, elementary school age, middle schoolers, and high school students. Admit it. You were and still are as clueless as I am.

The sooner you can admit it, the smarter you are.

by Kelly Mattei

Mom, We’ve Been in an Accident

“Mom, we’ve been in an accident.”

Those are words we don’t want to hear…ever.

Recently, the night before I was getting off a Caribbean cruise to return home to Charlotte, I received a phone call from my daughter saying those words. The next words were “I’m ok, and [driver friend] is OK, but [college friend] might be a little hurt.” My head started to spin. I just sent my daughter off to college a little over a month ago. She had called me in the middle of the cruise and asked me to get airline tickets for her and a friend to come to Charlotte over the weekend, so I did. And ten minutes after they landed, they were involved in an auto accident. Another friend from high school was driving.

I was happy to hear that two of the three were OK, but I was worried about the third.

My daughter calmly told me the people from Life360, a phone app, had called her immediately to tell her they detected she had been involved in a crash, and the police had been dispatched to the scene. To learn more about Life360, click here. I highly recommend it. Our daughter said the person at Life360 asked if they needed medics, and she asked them to send them, because one friend might be injured. Our daughter seemed fine when I was talking with her, but I could hear her friend from college crying in the background. It was breaking my heart. And to top it off, my husband was at the beach in another state with a friend, and I didn’t have real phone service, so I was having to make all calls using FaceTime and WhatsApp through Wifi…spotty at best. I asked my daughter, “Do you want me to call a mom to be with y’all?” She immediately answered, “Yes.” One name came to mind. I called her via FaceTime audio, and she was on it. As soon as I told her the situation…I was out of the country, and my daughter had been in an accident…she said, “I have my keys in my hand and I’m on my way.” Fortunately, she lives near where the girls were, so she could get there quickly.

I then called the college friend’s mom and explained to her that the EMTs were checking her daughter’s elbow and head, and the girls were in good hands. Ultimately, the EMTs decided the girls could go on to our house. I explained to her that my friend would be arriving soon to wait with them and take them home. Once there, my neighbors would check on them right away and periodically till I could get home the next day. Fortunately, my very calm, very responsible 25-yr-old nephew and his girlfriend were in town for a concert, so they would be at our house all night, and I would be arriving the next day. My daughter could call any of our neighbors at any time for anything. And I was explaining all this through FaceTime that was spotty, but it got the job done.

Thank the Lord.

After I had contacted everyone I knew to contact, I could sit down and think. I called my husband once I knew everything was handled and told him the news. I started with, “She is OK, but Milly has been in an accident.” I hung up the phone and finished packing. But honestly, I didn’t sleep that night. We were scheduled to arrive in Miami at 7:00am, and my flight home was scheduled for 3:15pm…a long wait. When I arrived at the airport at about 10:00, I went straight to check-in and asked if I could be moved to an earlier flight. Lucky me, there was one seat left. The flight wouldn’t leave till 1:25pm, so I went to the American Airlines Admirals Club to wait it out and distract myself with college football. And of course, while I was there, I called my nephew to get updates on the girls…hoping they were still sleeping…and they were. I spoke again with the mother of my daughter’s college friend, knowing I would want as much information as possible if I were in her shoes. She said she really wished her daughter would wake up, so I called my nephew and asked him to go in to wake them and ask the friend to call her mom.

When I arrived home, I could finally breathe. I hugged everyone and looked over the girls, who appeared fine. Their smiling faces told me they were feeling well. My nephew and his girlfriend left for the concert soon after I got home, and the girls asked me to drop them at a favorite restaurant in Charlotte’s South End…just like old times.

And I was thrilled that something seemed normal. Normal is good.

It was the first time I had relaxed since the “Mom, we’ve been in an accident” phone call. After dropping them off, I rushed home and took a shower. My nephew and the girlfriend came home from the concert, and I cooked them a late night breakfast before going to pick up the girls at a friend’s house at about 1:00am…just like old times. And after we got home, I crashed right to bed and slept better than I’ve slept in a long time.

I can tell you this: you do not want to receive a call from your child saying he/she has been in a car accident. I felt helpless. But I heard from all sources, including both friends who were in the accident with her, that my daughter was a champ through the whole thing. She kept the other girls calm and handled things with the police and medics. I am proud to hear that and happy to know she was able to help her friends.

I did sit down with the girls over breakfast and told them they should reflect back on what had happened and what they had learned from it. I said, “I’m sure you learned just how quickly your life can change. No one goes out expecting to get into a car accident, and it can absolutely change your life in seconds.” The driver of the car they were in was not at fault, but accidents happen. Thank God they were OK.

And I will tell you what all mothers know: they are always our babies. Their pain is our pain. And it’s a lot harder to deal with from hundreds or even thousands of miles away. Sometimes we just need to put our eyes on them, and I was so glad I could do that fairly quickly.

They flew back last night and made it to their dorm without incident. I was able to sleep.

Normal is good…

by Kelly Mattei

No News is Good News

No news is good news.

I have learned a lot in the past month as an empty-nester, but the biggest lesson I have learned? No news is good news.

We moved our daughter in with a roommate, counseled her through sorority recruitment, cheered her on as she went to her first college classes, and checked in with her several times a day after she had her first college medical emergency. All that has happened in the past month…less than 30 days, actually. There have been some days we have spoken with her several times, but mostly, we receive texts…usually with happy face emojis and lots of exclamation points. We know she is happy when we get those.

But we have learned something else along the way. We have learned there will be days we don’t hear her voice. We might even just get one text with “hi.” But from that, we have learned that the less we hear from her, the happier she is.

There was one day soon after sorority Bid Day that she called me sounding a little down. She sounded like she was doubting herself. She sounded like she was questioning her decision to attend my alma mater. It was about 2:00 in the afternoon, the day before classes started. I remember where I was sitting…in a golf cart at a dock in Hope Town, Bahamas, while I waited for a ferry to take us (me and my husband) across the harbor to climb to the top of the lighthouse. We missed the first ferry and the second while I talked with our daughter, listening to what she was saying and offering words of encouragement. I reminded her that I had warned her this would happen. There would be days she would feel a little homesick. I offered some suggestions on things to improve her mood, and soon thereafter, my husband and I were on our way over to the lighthouse. While we enjoyed the view from the top of the lighthouse, we talked about how sad she had sounded. I assured my husband that what our daughter was feeling was completely normal…she would be feeling better soon.

However, I didn’t expect to answer the phone six hours later to hear her happily announcing to me, “I love this place!” She had made it over the hump…and in just six hours, she was happy. We laughed with her over the phone for a few minutes, but after that, she didn’t call us for a couple of days.

At breakfast two days later, my husband asked if I had heard from her. I said, “No.” He replied, “That worries me.” But then I reminded him that she called us when she was feeling down, and I felt sure she would call us again if she needed encouragement. Clearly, the fact that she wasn’t reaching out to us meant she was happy. I resisted the urge to call her to check, and soon thereafter…before lunch…she called and announced how much she loves her sorority, her classes, her roommate, and her friends!

I remembered taking her to two different soccer camps when she was younger. While she was at one camp, I heard from her many times a day…she was very unhappy and wanted to come home, but I suggested she make it through the camp just to prove to herself she could. She did. And then, a year or two later, she wanted to go to a different soccer camp with a different friend. In fact, it was a soccer camp at the University of Alabama, where she is enrolled as a freshman now! While she was in that camp, I went to visit my mother. On the second day, my mother asked if I had heard from her, and when I told her I hadn’t, she said, “Well, that’s good.” My mother, who had far more parenting experience than I did, knew…no news is good news. In fact, when I got there to pick up our daughter at the end of the camp, I could barely drag her away from her friends there!

And now, she’s in college. Yesterday, I texted her and said, “You might need to call your girl to get a hair appointment.” Her reply? “I’m not coming home anytime soon.” And you know what? It was like music to my ears! I knew at that moment that she is truly happy, because she isn’t missing home at all! She’s got this!

No news is good news.

by Kelly Mattei

College Move-In

College move-in.

It’s behind us. We got our daughter, a college freshman, moved in 11 days ago. My husband and I loaded all her stuff into two automobiles and drove 450 miles to her college to move her in. One car stayed with her, because the college she is attending allows freshman (almost encourages them) to bring their own cars. The actual move-in wasn’t bad, because the school brings in student groups and hires others to help with the process…lots of helpers. They actually take everything up to the rooms in big bins (see feature photo). It’s amazing! Everything was in the room within minutes. Of course, we had to put everything away.

The day after we moved her in, my husband flew home. I stayed in Alabama (she is going to the University of Alabama) to visit family and friends who feel like family for nine days while our daughter participated in the legendary Alabama sorority rush. Bid Day, when the girls receive their invitations to join sororities, was yesterday. I took some photos of our daughter with her new sorority sisters and scooted out of there…partly because the day is about her, not me…and partly because it was hotter than three blue Hells, and I was melting.

Today I drove the 450 miles home, feeling good about where she is.

At about the 350 mile mark, I received a text from her asking if something looked “concerning.” I was about to stop for gas anyway, so I looked at the photo and didn’t think it looked too bad. It was a photo of her heel, but there was a Band-Aid on it, so I couldn’t really see it very well. Fast forward a little while, and she was calling me to tell me she was going to the doctor. Apparently, she was in a lot of pain…and she has a really high pain threshold. During rush, she had worn some new heeled shoes that rubbed a bad blister on one heel…and then it became infected…and the photo she sent me didn’t do it justice. Ugh. Let me add here that the shoes were new and expensive, and she is telling me she will never wear them again. Maybe she can sell them?!?!

The doctor was pretty alarmed when he saw it and ordered a penicillin shot, an oral antibiotic, and an antibiotic ointment, explaining that there is very little skin tissue in that area, and infection could damage the Achilles tendon! I had never heard that! How many heel blisters have I had in my life?!?! How did I not know that?!?! We are praying it will look better in the morning.

Fortunately, she has a fantastic roommate who has been very supportive and helpful. Plus, she sent me a video of my daughter getting the penicillin shot…her first shot ever in her “fanny.”

Our daughter hasn’t even started classes for her freshman year yet, and she has already had her first medical emergency!

The way I see it, she learned some valuable life information. First, she learned that an infected heel blister can turn into an infected Achilles tendon, which is a bad problem to have. It can even cause sepsis…a serious medical issue. I’m proud she took action and nipped it in the bud before it got worse! Secondly, she learned where to seek medical help in a pinch near her college. Thirdly, she learned another valuable lesson when she texted me asking for my social security number. I texted back, “Why do they need that? I don’t give that out all Willy Nilly.” She texted that the doctor’s office forms ask for a parents’ info, since she is under 19. What?!?! She sent me a picture of the form, and I saw she had already entered her own social security number and was waiting for mine. I said, “Scratch out your social security number so none of it shows. Then walk up to the desk and tell the lady I won’t give you mine.” She did, and the lady told her, “No big deal.” I called her then and explained that doctor’s offices don’t need your social security number. Never give it to anyone except government entities, accountants, the university, or banks. There are some exceptions to that, but not many…and only give it when absolutely necessary.

So she had a day of learning two days before her first college class.

I’m sure she hasn’t thought to look at a map of the university to find the classes she will be attending Wednesday. Maybe she doesn’t need to do that. Maybe GPS will get her there.

And in the very little downtime I have had since I got home nine hours ago, I have answered texts, emails, and phone calls from people checking on me since I’m now an empty nester! Several have asked if I am emotional. No. I’m not emotional, but I think it’s because my brain has been occupied! I’m trying to make sure she is OK, and I’m also preparing to go on vacation! My flight leaves in 30 hours, and I have lots to get done before I leave. One thing I need to do is sleep. But I also need to make sure our daughter is OK before I get on a plane to fly another 800-1000 miles away. I’m already wondering if I need to delay my departure by a day. I will check with her in the morning and make her send me photos of her injury.

While I may be an empty nester, I’m still her mother. I still want to make everything better for her. I still want to make sure she is happy and healthy. But I’m proud that she, with the help of a fabulous roommate, handled this situation. She learned some valuable lessons today, and while I wish she were healthy right now, I’m just glad she was smart enough to take care of business.

To all my fellow mothers taking their kids to college, I say, “They are going to be OK…and we are too!”

***Feature photo from UA News Center, University of Alabama.***

by Kelly Mattei

Pre-Departure Breakdown

Pre-departure breakdown.

The daughter leaves in three days. I haven’t had a breakdown. My husband hasn’t had a breakdown. In fact, our daughter only had a minor sniffle earlier today because she is going to miss her friends.

But something wicked this way comes…

I can feel it in the air at our house. I’m a little tense. She’s a little tense. And she is trying to squeeze in as much time with her friends as she possibly can. She slept at a friend’s house last night and came home long enough today to pick which clothes she wants to pack…or maybe I should say she picked which clothes she wants me to pack for her. And that’s OK.

After she dashed out to spend time with her friends again, my husband said, “Wow. She doesn’t want to spend time with us as much as she wants to spend time with her friends.” I told him, “That’s normal. In fact, I would be worried if she wanted to be with us more than she wants to be with her friends right now.” He looked surprised, so I explained further, “She knows we are here for her. She knows we always love her. We are the sure thing. But her friends are all going in different directions. I’m glad she wants to spend time with her friends.” And he got it. The fact that she wants to be with her friends means she feels secure in her relationship with us. It’s a good thing. We should actually be flattered by it.

It’s like when a kid behaves perfectly well in public but then gets home and acts like the spawn of Satan. My mother used to tell a story about 4-yr-old me. She said she took me somewhere, and I acted like a perfect angel, but when we got home…I was mean and fussy. She finally asked me, “Why do you act like this at home?” My 4-yr-old answer? “Where else can I act like this?” And she got it. She said, “Nowhere, honey. Just here…where we love you.” She knew I felt secure enough at home to have the breakdowns and act a little out of sorts. I knew she would love me no matter what. And that’s what our college-age daughter is feeling right now. She knows we will always love her no matter what, but she is trying to cement her relationships with friends before she leaves.

So yes, she teared up a little earlier, telling me she was going to miss her friends. She then told me, as we were packing her clothes, that one friend texted her earlier that she had a full-on meltdown about leaving for college. I think our daughter knows it is going to happen to her too. She had a fearful look in her eye. And I reminded her that she is going to be OK. She will, in fact, love it once she gets there and gets through the initial jitters. She laughed and said, “I feel like I am going to sleepaway camp. I guess it’s kind of like that.” I said, “Oh, honey…it’s so much better. You’ll have a brand new dorm room with a great roommate and your own bathroom. You’ll have lots of new friends. You’ll have lots of boys to meet…they don’t have boys at sleepaway camp.” She laughed. She knows I’m right.

She also remembered that I said I would like for her to stay there till Thanksgiving, so she can become a part of the community, and she asked, “What if I want to come home one weekend?” I laughed and said, “Honey, you know I will get you home if you need to come home.”

She can always come home.

I reminded her of something that happened when she was on a group trip hiking across Iceland a few years ago. They were near a volcano, and the guide told them it was overdue for an eruption. Apparently, she also told them that air traffic is halted for a month when the volcano erupts. (I actually remember that happening 10 or 12 years ago.) Another girl on the trip panicked and ran to their tent (yes, a tent…ugh). My daughter followed her in there, and the friend said, “We could be stuck here for an extra month if it erupts!” And my daughter replied, “Don’t worry. There is no way my mother will let that happen. If that volcano erupts, she will find a way to get us out of here. She knows people.” I laughed out loud when she told me that after she returned home from Iceland. But she wasn’t wrong…I do know people…people who could have “extracted” her from Iceland in no time. And so today, when she was saying she might need to visit home before Thanksgiving, I assured her she can always come home. But if it’s just homesickness…try to stick it out, because she will enjoy college life a lot more if she becomes a part of the community, and you can’t do that if you’re running home all the time. Make college your home.

So with three days left before departure, I feel pretty sure a meltdown is on the horizon. The question is…will it be my meltdown or hers?!?!

by Kelly Mattei

College Nesting?

College nesting?

Nineteen years ago, we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our daughter. She was due on October 11, so in August and September of that year, I was in full-on “nesting mode.” Anyone who has ever expected a baby knows what I’m talking about…that need to get every detail squared away before the baby arrives. Back then, we read all about it in What to Expect When You’re Expecting, so we weren’t surprised when we found ourselves lining drawers and washing everything in sight.

Fast forward 19 years, and I find myself doing the same thing.

Why am I “nesting” for my soon-to-be college freshman?

Why am I nesting for my soon-to-be college freshman? It had never occurred to me that this could happen, but a couple of days ago, as I packed up some IKEA bags with dorm bedding, lighting, and other items, I realized, “I’m nesting.” Unfortunately, I haven’t ever found a book called What to Expect When You’re Sending Your Child to College, so I don’t have any reference. Sure, I have called my friends who have college kids and asked them about it. They all assure me that what I’m doing is perfectly normal…that it’s a way of dealing with the transition. I just wish I could see it in writing somewhere.

Is the transition going to be easy? No. I am beyond excited for our daughter. She is going to enjoy the full college experience at my alma mater. Sure, there will be days she is stressed out or even homesick, but hopefully, I will be able to talk her through it. Or her friends will distract her. Or she will get busy and forget about homesickness. As for me, I don’t know who will talk me through it. I will miss her like crazy. Will I be able to handle it? Yes, of course. No, I’m not planning to move to be near her college. In fact, I have three big vacations planned for the month following her departure. If that doesn’t help take my mind off it, nothing will.

But that’s why this whole college nesting thing happens…for the parents. Any good parent is likely a little worried about their college-bound kid. I’m not worried about her handling the school work. She will figure that out. I know, too, that she will make new friends quickly…especially since she will be living in a dorm. It’s more of a concern about her spinning her wheels trying to get everything else done. I know she can and will do it, but my nesting instinct is making me prepare everything I can for her room. Cold/nausea/pain medications? Check. I don’t want her to have to run out to look for meds if she is feeling poorly. Cleaning supplies/vacuum cleaner? Check. I have no idea how often she and her roommate will clean the bathroom in their dorm room, but I want to make sure the tools are there. Laundry supplies/clothing prep? Check. I have packed a stand-up steamer and laundry supplies, including Static Guard, a wrinkle releaser, an on-the-go spot remover, and a small sewing kit. Basic school supplies? Check. Having a few things in advance won’t hurt. Bins and organizers for the room? Check. They likely won’t be used as planned, but they have them if they want them.

I know she and her roommate will need to go out and get more things after we, the parents, hit the road. It will give them an excuse to get out of the dorm for a little while. Do I think they will end up doubling up on some of the things I have carefully packed and organized for them? Yes, because they won’t even look at a lot of the things I have packed. They won’t even realize they already have rubberbands and paperclips. And that’s OK.

Whether they use the things I have packed or not, I will know I sent her off prepared for most things. She might go out and look for Band-Aids for the blisters on her heels even though I packed them in a medicine box for them. And again, that’s OK. I know those Band-Aids are there for them. That’s why I’m “college nesting,” just like other parents are all over the country right now. Sure, it’s for them, but mostly, it makes me feel better about her departure. By focusing on mundane tasks, I am not focusing on the fact that this child (adult?) I have nurtured and loved for almost 19 years is flying the coop.

She is leaving us and will never live in our house again on a permanent basis. I think that’s the fact I am trying to process while I’m preparing her for the next school year. We are proud parents. We are happy that she is moving into this next phase of life, and we are excited about what it means for us too. But it’s going to be a transition, for sure.

I guess I should get busy packing up some clothes for her today.