Category / change

NYC doorman welcoming female tenants at entrance
by Kelly Mattei

Preparing for the Post-College Move/Job

Preparing for the post-college move/job.

The movers arrive in ten days. They will scoop up a bed, mattress, dresser, night stands, vanity/desk, chair for said vanity/desk, some wardrobe boxes, and some boxes full of our daughter’s personal effects and drive them to New York. “Personal effects” sounds like a prison term, but whatever. There’s not a whole lot to move, fortunately, because her roommate has her own stuff and some living room stuff too. I’m guessing I will buy whatever living room and kitchen stuff they still need after they get there. Or maybe I should say “after I get there.” There is a very real possibility that I will have to be there to accept my daughter’s belongings when they arrive in New York, because she might still be enjoying a long weekend at Lollapalooza in Chicago.

A mother’s work is never done.

The movers pick up in ten days, and once they pick up, they will call me to let me know when they will be arriving at her apartment in New York. Chances are, I will have less than 24 hours to get there to meet them, so I will keep a bag packed (much like when we were awaiting her arrival into the world) so I can hop on a plane immediately and get there. And I will wait for them. However, I’m not sleeping in the apartment, because I like to sleep in a meat locker, and they just won’t have that apartment cold enough for me. I will stay in a hotel, thank you very much. If my daughter isn’t there yet, I will supervise the delivery of the furniture and boxes without her. We have drawn up plans for how/where she wants her bedroom furniture placed. If she is there, I will be there for moral support and to take her shopping for whatever she needs. Not gonna lie…moving to New York isn’t cheap. Heck, moving anywhere is expensive, but moving to New York is especially expensive.

Add in all the time required to move there. First, we had to find an apartment. That can take a while, but we were very fortunate in that regard, as she has a lovely roommate who had boots on the ground, and we (she) found an apartment pretty darn quickly. We paid the deposit, filled out the application, went through the application process (not fun), and secured the apartment in a good part of town. Don’t get me wrong…there was a lot of worry involved for me. I had visions of never finding an apartment, but our “boots on the ground” came through! It’s actually a pretty roomy apartment by New York standards, and I am so excited for them to live there. They will even have a skyline view, a rooftop garden, a 24-hour doorman, a gym, and their very own balcony. Win! We haven’t actually seen the apartment yet, but the “boots on the ground” did send us a video, and we were happy with it. Additionally, I have spent time communicating with the movers, and I have had to communicate with them repeatedly. If you ever plan to move to New York or plan to move one of your kids to New York, you should know in advance that the movers will need to send a Certificate of Insurance to move you in. Otherwise…no dice. The building will not let them in without it. It’s not difficult to get from most movers, but it’s something you have to do. Since our daughter is working at an internship in Charlotte this summer, I have tried to help her with some other things too…like getting the electricity at the apartment put in her name. The roommate secured the wifi service.

I find myself feeling sort of how I felt when we were getting ready to send her off to college for freshman year. The foyer is filling up with boxes just like it did then. The garage is holding the furniture we ordered. There are boxes everywhere as I wait for her to pack them with her “personal effects.” Fortunately, she banks with a large international bank, so she won’t have to open a new account after she moves. She will need to find a new doctor and dentist after she settles in, but she has seen both locally in the past month, so she should be good to go until she finds someone.

And honestly, we won’t know what we are missing in the apartment until we know what we are missing. At that point, we can run to TJ Maxx, Target, Home Goods, or somewhere else in the city and get what she needs…toiletries, paper goods, etc. I’m not paying movers to haul toilet paper or cleaning supplies from North Carolina to New York.

In 1989, when my parents moved me to Atlanta from Alabama after graduating from college, I had already secured the apartment on my own and had all the utilities put in my name. In fact, I was already living in the apartment when they drove over with a sofa, a TV, and a few other small items. I purchased a bed plus boxspring and mattress, so that’s basically what I had in the apartment. That’s all I had for a little while. I didn’t care. I was living in my own version of the “big city of dreams” and loving life.

I hope our daughter will love life in The Big Apple. I hope she will settle in as quickly as I settled into life in Atlanta way back when. I pray she will stay safe and keep her head on a swivel.

As soon as I get her settled in, my husband and I plan to take a vacation we postponed because of this move. I remember that I went on vacation as soon as we got her settled into college freshman year too. I have a feeling I will appreciate the relaxation more than ever. Hopefully, she will stay settled in a for a while. Every move just ages me a little more. Like I said, a mother’s work is never done.

by Kelly Mattei

This,Too, Shall Pass

This, too, shall pass.

It is a reminder that we are likely to move beyond problems or things that bother us…that the only constant is change. It was a phrase my mother lived by. Since her passing, one of her dear friends (who is also my friend) has offered up this gentle reminder to me on a regular basis, always adding my mother’s initials behind it or saying “a wise person once told me…”

It is meaningful throughout life, but I find it is especially meaningful in dealing with my college-age daughter and her friends. Sometimes, things that happen in their lives seem like a big deal to them, but we, as older, more experienced adults, know things will get better, and the current situation will be long forgotten.

Those four words, “This, too, shall pass,” can be applied in lots of different instances…especially short-term annoyances…most illnesses, most disagreements, homesickness, heartbreak, or an unexpected difficult setback…and many more.

I went online to do a little research on the saying and found that Abraham Lincoln used a longer version of it in a speech at the Wisconsin State Fair in Milwaukee before he was elected President of the United States. According to abrahamlincolnonline.org, he recounted a tale of an Eastern monarch:

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: “And this, too, shall pass away.” How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!

I especially love Lincoln’s observation…”How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction.”

Somewhere along the way, it became, “This, too, shall pass.” Words to live by, I suppose. Throughout my own life, because I heard it from my mother, and because I have the good fortune of still hearing it from her friend, I have found comfort in those four words. Or sometimes, I have been reminded to check myself! When my daughter was an infant and would not nap, I was exhausted all the time. Many times, I had to remind myself, “This, too, shall pass.” But even in good times, when she was snuggled up to me as an infant, I also had to remind myself that she wouldn’t want to do that forever. It helped me live in the moment.

Even as we enjoyed the glow of our home after our daughter arrived home for the Thanksgiving break yesterday, I had to remind myself that the moment would pass. She was excited to be home. She was excited to eat her favorite foods. She was excited to talk with us. We are still enjoying every moment, but tomorrow, she is going to visit a friend at another university for a couple of days before coming home for a few days and then, returning to her own university. This great joy we are experiencing is short-lived. It is a reminder to live in the moment!

The sadness we will experience after she leaves? Well, that will pass too, as soon as she calls us to share a funny story from school. We will still miss her, of course, but we will rejoice in her happiness, just as we suffer in her pain…like all good parents. Our daughter is a piece of our hearts living outside our bodies…we tend to feel what she feels. Its true empathy. I truly believe my own empathy grew after having my daughter…not just for her, but for others. But that’s a discussion for another day.

Now, I find myself sharing those words of wisdom with my daughter on a regular basis. Spending extra time studying for a difficult class? This, too, shall pass. Homesickness? This, too, shall pass. Freshman joy? This, too, shall pass. (Live in the moment.) Heartbreak? This, too, shall pass. Extreme sadness or happiness? This, too, shall pass. Even confusion about her own emotions…this, too, shall pass.

The only constant is change.

Personally, I tell myself “this, too, shall pass” on a regular basis. Even after each of my parents died, I knew the grief would never go away, but the immediate feelings of hopelessness would pass. The loneliness would pass. Eventually, good memories would take over. And I was right.

As the holidays approach, I find it especially meaningful. There are lots of emotions that accompany this time of year, not just for me, but for lots of people. I feel a sense of loss, because my parents are no longer here, and I lost my mother during the holidays. I also feel a sense of joy, knowing we will have our daughter under our roof for a while. Enjoy the good times as much as possible, because the high is temporary. Weather the bad ones…hang in there long enough, they will pass too.

Both emotions are temporary…

Even though she has been gone for five years, my mother’s four words still resonate in my mind, “This, too, shall pass.” They even helped me when I was deep in grief after she passed. Thankful for a sweet mom who shared her wisdom with me.

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