Tag / college

by Kelly Mattei

College Cocktail Dresses, Part 3

College Cocktail Dresses, Part 3.

Here’s the third installment of the series, featuring cocktail dresses for college students. This one features ten dresses of varying lengths, colors, styles, and prices. Let’s go shopping! If you haven’t found anything yet, don’t fret! There will be more coming tomorrow! (I need to watch football today.)

  • L’Idee Gala Mini. Want a different color? Try this dress in Sunset! Regularly priced at $350, this one is on sale for $123! Very popular style. See it here.
  • Show Me Your Mumu Jasmine Dress. A popular halter-style dress that comes in lots of colors and is priced under $150. See yellow and pink here. See it in black here. Ivory here. And a lovely bellini color here.
  • NBD Lila Gown. This full-length dress also comes in several colors. See it in champagne ($122) here. Mauve pink ($194) here. Or navy ($228) here.
  • Blaine Mini Dress. This one is a steal at $30! Long sleeves, ruching, mini. Get it in red or teal here. Great for fall or holiday!
  • Montrose Mini. This one is offered in glorious purple or pink. At $111, you almost have to get it. See it here. I could totally see my daughter in the purple.
  • Kerrie Deep V Mini. Priced at just $70, this dress comes in pink or green. Super cute! See it here.
  • Joyce Mini Dress. This cheetah print, long sleeve number is on final sale for $42 (orig $168) at Revolve. See it here.
  • Amelia Gown. This black, full-length gown is beautiful and on sale for $153! See it here.
  • Old Money Gown. With a plunging neckline and tiered skirt, this black gown is simply gorgeous. Originally $325, it’s on sale now for $195. Purchase here.
  • Lovers and Friends Lazo Gown. This one is on sale for $188. It’s red, and it’s dramatic. Purchase here.

Happy Shopping! Come back tomorrow for more suggestions!

by Kelly Mattei

Shopbop on Amazon

Shopbop on Amazon.

I love Shopbop. I have been shopping with Shopbop for years, and a few years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble upon a Shopbop pop-up shop in New York! “Shopbop pop-up shop”…wow, that’s a lot of bops and pops.

Until recently, though, I didn’t know I could shop Shopbop through Amazon to take advantage of my Amazon Prime benefits...free shipping and easy, peasy, Amazon returns! It’s true! Shopbop has an Amazon shop! You can see it and shop it here.

If you’re a fan of Shopbop already, you know how awesome their offerings are. If you’re not a fan of Shopbop, it’s high time you became one. They have the latest styles in apparel, beauty, and accessories from brands at lots of different price points, and they have great sales too! They even have a section of “under $200 fashion finds”! All of it…all of it…is listed on their Amazon site!

Need a dress for an upcoming event? Shopbop. Need something to wear to an athletic event? Shopbop. Want to freshen your wardrobe? Shopbop. Just want to surprise your college-age daughter with a new bracelet or handbag? Shopbop.

Check it all out here. And if you’re still looking for some dresses for sorority recruitment, check out their sales section for dresses like those shown below!

Happy Shopping!

by Kelly Mattei

When Sorority Rush is Over

When Sorority Rush is over.

When sorority rush starts, for the potential new members, it seems as though the week will never end. It’s a week of great fun for some and a week of misery for others…and some fall in between. If your daughter is participating in recruitment, here is something you should know: it will end, and it will be emotional.

No matter how it ends, it’s an emotional time…an emotional rollercoaster. They might be overjoyed. The excitement might be overwhelming! They might be sad. They might even be angry or embarrassed. But emotions definitely run high. Here’s something no one warned me about:

A couple of days after rush is over, almost everyone falls flat.

Last year, my daughter completed recruitment and pledged her favorite house as a freshman. She was thrilled. She was excited. For about two days, it was all she could talk about. And then, about 48 hours after pledging, she called me crying. No, she wasn’t disappointed with her choice. She was thrilled. She was simply feeling down in the dumps. At first, I wondered if it was homesickness, but then I realized it wasn’t that at all…she was simply having a “post-rush letdown.” That’s what I call it anyway. After being “courted” by sorority members during the recruitment process and all the excitement of Bid Day, everything else seems flat. If you’re mentally prepared for it, you know what it is, and you know what to do to fight the “blues.”

I wasn’t prepared for it last year. I’m normally really good about remembering my youth, but I had forgotten about the post-rush letdown, so when my daughter called, I was surprised for a minute…until I remembered. I listened to her tearfully tell me she was sad but didn’t know why. Then, I explained to her what was happening. I told her that what she was feeling was normal, because it is. That level of excitement and happiness she had during rush and on Bid Day simply can’t be sustained. She was bound to crash at some point. I told her to go for a walk in the sunshine. Sunshine helps. I also told her to find one of her new friends and invite her to go with her. Then, I suggested she go to her new sorority house and try to meet new friends. Maybe get some exercise with some of those new friends?

A couple of hours later, she called me sounding like her old self. In fact, she went so far as to cheerfully say, “I love it here!” I knew she had turned the corner, and it was a good thing, because I was on vacation in the Bahamas having a great time!

This year, she participated in rush as a member of a sorority. She was rushing new members all week. She was feeling the excitement again! And on Bid Day, she welcomed the girls she had worked so hard to recruit. She was absolutely thrilled! Fast forward 48 hours, and I received a call. “Mom, I don’t know why, but I’m feeling sad.” This time I knew the answer, “Oh, honey, you’re having post-rush letdown! Remember last year? Remember how 48 hours after it was over you had a little bout of sadness? It’s the same thing! The excitement is over and reality is setting in.” I suggested she get some exercise. Two hours later, she called me laughing and telling me a funny story about something that had happened. She had made it through the post-rush letdown again. I just hadn’t expected her to have the same feeling as a member, but she did, and next year, I will be ready to remind her that it’s going to happen.

Why am I telling you this? Moms, I want y’all to be prepared. And I want you to know that the post-rush letdown is a totally normal thing. That sad feeling will likely pass quickly if your daughter will get some exercise and make an effort to make some more new friends. It’s a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but just know the sadness will go away with some good coaching from Mom! Stay positive, Mom!

You got this!

by Kelly Mattei

Send Your College Student A Surprise

Send your college student a surprise.

When I was in college in the 1980s, my mother sent me surprises on a regular basis. She went to the trouble to find some surprises, package them, and take them to the post office to mail them. It’s a lot easier to surprise our far-away kids these days. With Amazon, I can order something for our daughter and know she will have it pretty quickly. It’s one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes I send useful items, and sometimes I send silly stuff, but no matter what, she knows I’m thinking of her. And sometimes, a well-timed package can give them a little pick-me-up just when they need it! That’s what it’s all about, right?

If you’re considering sending something to your college student, here are some ideas:

  • Cravebox. Cravebox offers different kinds of snack packages. Since so many students live in dorms or fraternity/sorority houses, it’s nice for them to have non-perishable snacks readily available. They offer their standard snack bar care package for $26.99; it contains 40 popular snack items. Purchase it here. For healthier snacks from Cravebox, you can send their healthy snack package (45 count) for $36.95 here. Our daughter loves that one. Or get the variety pack for $28.95 here. There’s also a brand called Collegebox that offers a care package for $28.95. Check it out here. Your college student will be grateful, but they’ll also be able to share with friends!
  • Socks. My mother used to send me silly socks all the time, and I would always laugh when I opened them. Girls and boys like silly socks. See a huge variety at Amazon here.
  • Tshirts and sweatshirts. College students love tshirts and sweatshirts. Why dress up for class when you can be comfortable? Or maybe they just wear them when they’re lounging around? Either way, they love them. You can always give them a tshirt that’s a tribute to Animal House. They won’t get the meaning, but you will! See a “college” tshirt here. Or maybe get your daughter a “favorite daughter” sweatshirt here. You can always send them a sweatshirt representing their college/university. Amazon has a huge selection here.
  • Toiletries. Sometimes, I send our daughter toiletries from Amazon, so she doesn’t have to go out and buy them. Razors for girls here. Hair ties here or here. New charcoal toothbrushes here.
  • Spa/Makeup headbands. My daughter loves these things, and she especially loves the cute ones I sent her as a surprise! Y’all, these from I Dew Care on Amazon are awesome! There’s one that looks like a tiara, plus a white cat, a black cat, and a bear! So cute and useful! See them here.
  • Clear handbag. If your daughter attends a college or university that has spectator sports, chances are they need to have a clear handbag for the stadium. If she doesn’t have one, get an inexpensive one now for football season! Purchase a great option at Amazon here. She will thank you.
  • She’s Birdie Personal Alarm. This is a great gift for any college girl, and receiving it in a surprise package is cool. These small personal alarms attach to a keychain, so they’re easy to carry and easy to access. Keep her safe! See the She’s Birdie store on Amazon here.
  • Board Games. I know it sounds counterproductive, but it’s not. College students need an escape, and board games with friends are a great way to take a break from homework/studying. My friend, Angela, and I played Yahtzee all the time when we lived next door to each other in the sorority house. It was great relaxation for us when we needed a break. It’s also a great way to get to know other people! Invite them to play! See a variety of games on Amazon here.
  • Plastic flask. If your child is old enough to drink, maybe they take their own alcohol in a flask? I love a plastic flask I found on Amazon…plastic, because its not picked up by metal detectors. Lol. Today it’s on sale for $7.99…regularly $10.99. Get it here.

As I find more great ideas, I will post them! Happy shopping!

by Kelly Mattei

Finishing Freshman Year of College

Finishing freshman year of college.

My daughter attended an independent school in Charlotte from Transitional Kindergarten through 12th grade, and the former head of the school often had wise words to share. One of his favorite phrases? “Finish well.” As the end of each school year approached, I would remind our daughter, “Finish well!” Did she always hear me? She always finished pretty well, so maybe.

Now, the end of her freshman year of college is rapidly approaching. Like a train out of control, freshman year is moving forward at lightning speed. She will be home in less than a week. Less than a week! I find myself saying, “Finish well!”

We moved her into her dorm at the beginning of August. It was an exciting time. It was a scary time. Like lots of moms out there, I was excited for her to experience college, but I was nervous about leaving her 450 miles away. However, I remembered something I had read before:

Put the basket in the water.

I got that sentence from a piece written by Ashlei Woods. You can read it here. “Put the basket in the water” is a reference to the time of Moses, when midwives were ordered by Pharaoh to kill baby boys born to Israelites by drowning them in the Nile. Moses’s mother, in an effort to save her baby, placed him in a basket and placed the basket in the river, in hopes that he would live. I’m no Biblical scholar, but even I remember the story from Sunday School lessons. Moses did live, obviously, and went on to become a great prophet. I certainly don’t expect my daughter to become a great prophet, but I want her to live and become the best person she can be. I want her to live life. And by placing her proverbial basket in that proverbial river (college), I sent her on her way.

Has she learned things in college that will help her in her future endeavors? In short, yes. She has learned something in each class she has taken. She has learned about music, public relations, writing…so much. More importantly, she has learned more about who she is. She has learned how to make friends from lots of different places. She has learned how to handle medical emergencies and automobile situations. She has learned how to make doctor appointments and pick up her own prescriptions. And even though I always tried to expose her to as many new experiences as possible, she has been exposed to even more new experiences. She has learned to manage on her own. Sure, she still gets advice (sometimes wanted, sometimes not) from me, but she is doing it! We still support her financially, but she is doing it! We put the basket in the water, and we trusted God and trusted her.

Have there been hiccups along the way? Yes, but she has learned from each one. Last week, SpaceX launched a test rocket…the most powerful one ever launched. There was excitement surrounding it, but it failed. And afterward, Elon Musk, the founder of SpaceX, seemed happy in spite of the failure, saying they (the engineers, the company) would learn a lot from the failure. He was excited about what they would learn! Those words stuck with me, because this very successful man was reminding the world that we learn from failure. Don’t get me wrong. Our daughter’s hiccups, so far, haven’t been in the classroom. But any hiccups she has experienced along the way have been opportunities for learning. Learning what doesn’t work is how she will learn what does work.

In a few days, we will move our daughter out of her freshman dorm. As she finishes her freshman year, I will remind her several times, “Finish well.” I am already reminding her to start packing things up and cleaning out her room. And after we get her home for the summer, I feel sure we will notice she is a different girl than the one we sent to college in August. She is older. She is more confident. She is more independent. She is more knowledgable. As my own parents said when I came home after my freshman year, “We sent our daughter off to college and got a different person back.” They often joked that I was “switched at college.”

We are excited to have our girl home soon.

by Kelly Mattei

The College Facebook Parent Pages Revisited: Advice for Freshman Moms

The college parent Facebook pages revisited: advice for freshman moms.

Oh yes, the college parent pages….sometimes it’s the best entertainment of the day. Sometimes, I simply cannot believe what I read from other parents. And yet, rarely, I do get some valuable insight and/or information. Today, a mother of an incoming freshman had a good question:

If you could give any advice/suggestion to a parent of an incoming freshman, what would it be?

Oh, I could think of several things, but I haven’t typed a response to her on the page yet, because I really don’t want to offend anyone on there. I will tell you the things that came to my mind, and then I will tell you the answers from other parents. Personally, I think it’s a good time for this advice, as the parents and students are just starting the high school to college transition process.

My advice/suggestion to the parent of an incoming freshman:

  • Don’t put anything on the Facebook parent page that could, in any way, embarrass your child. Stop and think before you post. You don’t need to help Little Johnny find a girlfriend. In fact, Little Johnny likely doesn’t want the whole world to know that you still call him Little Johnny.
  • Let your child figure it out! This one is important! College is a great transitional time in life. If the parents are supportive, it can be a smooth transition from childhood to young adulthood. However, if you always help Little Mary make her schedule or find a roommate, she will never learn these skills for herself. Do you want Little Mary to be dependent on you her whole life? I started college in 1985, but I remember it very well. I also remember that, other than writing the checks, my parents didn’t help me with it. They didn’t help me make my schedule. They didn’t help me find friends or roommates. In fact, I’ve said before that I’m not even sure they knew what I was majoring in at the time. And that was OK, because 1980s parents were way cooler and more laid back than 2020s parents. Be like 1980s parents…let the students figure it out!
  • Be happy if, when you visit for a football weekend or other busy time, your child doesn’t have tons of time to spend with you. Be happy he/she has friends and activities that are important to her. Don’t get offended and do the “we traveled all this way” speech.
  • Sometimes, when our students think they won’t have any fun at an activity or on a weekend, they have the best time ever. My daughter once called me and said everyone was leaving the university for the weekend, so she might like to come home. I said, “That’s fine, but it’s not that long before your planned trip home. Try to find something to do, and call me back.” She thought it would be the most boring weekend ever. However, a friend from another school called and wanted to visit her, so she stayed for the weekend, and it was later declared “one of the best weekends ever.”
  • If your rising freshman student will be attending a university with big football, I, personally, would advise against taking the hardest classes they can take the fall semester (football season). I told my daughter, who attends an SEC big football school, “Take the easiest classes you can take that first semester. You will be adjusting to college life. You will be pledging a sorority. You will be going to football games and everything that goes with that. You want to adjust and enjoy it too, so take a light load.” Fortunately, she listened. And I know some parents might disagree with me on this, but I’m not giving their advice/suggestions. I’m giving mine.
  • And for the parents: if you’re going to be an empty nester when this child leaves, enjoy your time! Wow! People have asked me if I was sad when our daughter (an only child) went off to college. The answer is a resounding NO. I was (and still am) absolutely thrilled that she gets to experience life at a big university, complete with all the fun and distractions. I’m also glad I’m able to get out and enjoy the things I like to do without having to chaperone anymore. If you need more information about how to enjoy being an empty nester, there are lots of great books on Amazon. Click here.

I’m sure you’re wondering what other parents’ advice/suggestions were, so I’m going to share a few of those too (I did not write these myself):

  • Don’t worry when they cry and say they have no friends, or a friend hurts their feelings. Second semester everything changes and suddenly everything is in bloom!
  • Stagger visits. My husband and I plus other family and friends visited separately so our DD had lots to look forward to throughout her time there.
  • Get a tutor scheduled for any ‘hard’ classes BEFORE classes begin. Once you realize you need a tutor, it is too late!
  • The first year away from home will be the most difficult. Be mentally prepared for the inevitable feelings of homesickness. This bit of advice helped my DD more than I can tell you.
  • Prepare for them to be sick first semester. It’s just going to happen when you bring kids together from all over the country, living in close quarters and not eating or sleeping their best. Have a first aid box with over the counter remedies and have a list of phone numbers and addresses for local urgent cares in area with a plan on how to get there if needed. The student health center is great, but not always open for hours needed or can get backed up with appointments. ***I would add: please make sure they are up to date on all vaccines, including the Meningitis B vaccine before they go, even if it is not required by the college/university. Meningitis is contagious, and living in a group setting makes you more susceptible. By the time doctors diagnose it, it’s often too late.***
  • Know they are smarter, more resilient, and able to think for themselves more than we ever realized. I know all kids are different, but let them make a few “mistakes” along the way…such as over sleeping and figuring out how what dining halls serve what! If they get sick, let them know you are there for them, but they need to find a way to get to the health clinic! We have spent the last 18 or so years thinking and doing so many things for them. I know it’s hard to let go. But, they have to learn to adult and sometimes that includes choosing to do things in ways we wouldn’t. You will be pleasantly surprised at how awesome your kids are at Adulting if given the full chance! And trust me…having 2 daughters (1 has graduated and 1 is in her 2nd year) I have never not helped when they called asking, but I always encouraged them to first talk about ways to fix their issues before just swooping in to do it for them. They usually have the solution and didn’t even know it! Enjoy these last few months with your senior.
  • Send a meds box: Advil, flu meds, allergy stuff, thermometer, tummy meds . bandages etc.

There were more, but alas, there’s only so much room in this post. If you’re concerned that your rising freshman doesn’t have “adulting” knowledge, maybe help him/her with some books that contain useful information. Here are a few (and these could make great graduation gifts too):

  • Adulting Made Easy: Things Someone Should Have Told You About Getting Your Grown-up Act Together by Amanda Morin. Purchase here.
  • Adulting for Beginners – Life Skills for Adult Children, Teens, High School and College Students / The Grown-Up’s Survival Gift by Matilda Walsh. Purchase here.
  • The Manual to Manhood: How to Cook the Perfect Steak, Change a Tire, Impress a Girl & 97 Other Skills You Need to Survive by Jonathan Catherman. Purchase here.
  • Emily Post’s Etiquette, 19th Edition: Manners for Today. by Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning. This is a hardcover book that I think every young lady should have. Having it in hardcover form allows them to keep it forever and reference it often. My mother gave me one when I went to college, and I still use it for reference. Also makes a great graduation gift. Purchase here.
by Kelly Mattei

Graduation Season

Graduation season.

Y’all, I’m just glad I don’t have a high school senior graduating this year. I went through that “fun” last year, and honestly, it was exhausting. I know. I know. Lots of people love it. As a southern lady, I’m supposed to enjoy it, but I don’t.

In my opinion, there are two kinds of people in the world: the ones who love ceremonies and those who hate ceremonies. I belong in the latter group. Just like I hate meetings for meeting’s sake, I hate ceremony for ceremony’s sake. I am the person who skipped my own college graduation. Yes, I graduated from college, but I just didn’t feel the need to participate in the “pomp and circumstance.” It seemed so time-consuming, ridiculously formal, and honestly, a little bit corny. While some of my friends were participating in the ceremony, I was hanging out with other friends at our favorite watering hole…raising toasts to each other for getting the job done! Even when I got married, I wondered why we were making it into a spectacle? Why couldn’t we just get married at the courthouse and go on about our business? I didn’t lol need an audience to see me get married. I would have been just as married without the audience. It was a source of great tension for me, and honestly, as grateful as I am to my friends and family who were there, I would have rather gone to the courthouse.

My attitude toward all things “ceremonial” is why I could hardly wait for my daughter’s high school graduation to be over last year. It seemed like “much ado about nothing” to me. Here’s my stance on high school graduation: you’re supposed to graduate from high school. It’s not some grand accomplishment, except under special circumstances. Yes, there are situations in which high school graduation is a big deal, but my daughter graduating from a college preparatory private school in Charlotte, North Carolina? Well, the way I see it: she was supposed to graduate. But all the ceremonies? Senior supper? Baccalaureate? And more? I could have skipped them. I wouldn’t have been heartbroken if she had said, “Let’s leave for vacation early and blow this popsicle stand.” She did enjoy the private parties leading up to and after the event, and I did too, so there were some good things about it…getting to spend time with friends, having a reason to get together, etc. I do love a party, just not a ceremony.

However, I guess I’m in the minority on this, because it seems lots of people get very wrapped up in the graduation ceremony thing.

Today, on Facebook, a friend was posting pictures of her second child in his graduation gown. He’ll be graduating from high school in a few weeks, and she is sad to see the end of his high school career. That’s another way I’m different: I didn’t let the door hit me in the butt on the way out of my daughter’s high school. I was so grateful it was over! I was running as fast as I could! I was ready for that to end. But here’s what I wondered after seeing my friend’s post: How do parents muster up the excitement for their second, third, and fourth children’s graduation? I feel like I learned so much the first time around, and I feel like it would be even less of a big deal to me the second and third times, but since I’m the mother of an only child, I might be wrong?!?

Here’s what I mean: with your first child, many parents think every single stage of childhood is important. If I had a second and third child, I can tell you, I would be much more relaxed about elementary school…and maybe even middle school. Don’t get me wrong. I was never the mom who knew what her child’s assignments were…ever. I always thought school was her job, not mine, but it was very important to me that she take elementary school and middle school seriously. Maybe that’s why I have one child. Maybe God knew I’d be a slacker about school stuff with any subsequent children. I feel sure I would have said, “She doesn’t have any random days off from school in October? Eh…doesn’t matter; she’s only in second grade. We’ll take that long vacation in the middle of the school year anyway.” I actually remember sending her to school in kindergarten or 1st grade with a terrible cough. I thought it was important for her to be there. I received a call from the school nurse, with whom I had become friends, telling me to “come get your daughter.” When I got there to pick her up, I explained to the nurse that it was just a residual cough from a cold she had the previous week. She didn’t feel badly. The nurse said, “Keep her home until that cough is gone.” And I did, but I sweated it a little bit, thinking elementary school was so important. You know what the nurse, who had grown children of her own, knew that I didn’t know? My daughter would be OK even if she missed a week or two of elementary school.

Also, with a second or third child, I likely would have rarely volunteered for anything. It’s likely I would have thought, “My work is done. I’ve done all this once; I’m not doing it again.” Would people have thought my second and third children were motherless children? Maybe, but anyone who had any older kids would have known I had done more than my share the first time around. I was room mother almost every year of lower school. I volunteered everywhere I possibly could. If I’d had second and third children, I might have just slowed down outside the school and pushed them out the car door as I drove off to meet my friends for brunch with Mimosas. Not really, of course, but you get my point.

To all you parents who have children graduating from high school this year: Congratulations. If you don’t have anymore children who still need to graduate from high school, I say, “Congratulations on earning your freedom!” I don’t mean freedom from your child. I mean freedom from the constraints that school puts on your life. And if you enjoy all the “pomp and circumstance” that goes with the whole graduation thing, more power to you! Lots of my friends love every minute of it.

There’s a reason they do all those various ceremonies, but it’s not for people like me!

Also, if you have a child or children leaving for college in the fall, start gathering dorm essentials now. Here are some things I recommend to make move-in a little easier:

Hulken Bag. I ordered two. My daughter has one at college, and I have one at home, but I will take mine down with me when we move her out. They simply make moving lots of items easier. We got large ones. Get them here.

Moving Bags. These are similar to the Ikea moving bags, but I ordered from Amazon, because I thought these were a little bigger and sturdier. They worked great for move-in, and I expect them to work great for move-out too! Get them here. (Keep in mind: these sell out during summer, as families stock up on them, so get yours early.)

Collapsible Wagon. We got one of these for our daughter when she was returning to college after the holidays. It was an easy way for her to get everything from the parking garage to her room. Get it here.

Versacart. This is one my aunt told me about, and it’s awesome! She calls it her “old lady cart,” but it does the job! Get it here.

by Kelly Mattei

Parents of Future College Students

Parents of future college students.

Let me start by telling you I am not a professional anything. I’m not a psychologist or an educational counselor or anything like that. However, I am a mom of a college freshman. If you have a high school senior who is planning to attend college next year, I have some tips for you. Take them or leave them. Everybody does their own thing, but these are based on experience and observations.

-Join the Facebook parents’ page of your son or daughter’s future college or university as soon as you know where he/she is going.

-If you choose to post on said page, be careful what you post. Always remember your name can be linked back to your child, and you don’t want them to start college having to live down “where can little Johnny meet a girlfriend?”

-In fact, also on said page, resist the urge to post snarky replies to stupid questions. The stupid questions will be plentiful, but just resist the urge. Call your friends and laugh about it instead.

-Let your future college student handle the logistics of registering for everything. You don’t need to do it for him/her. Let them register for orientation, if necessary. It’s OK to remind them. It’s even OK to scan the parent page for info or recommendations, but let your student do it! Same with picking classes…make recommendations, but don’t make their schedule for them. Let them learn how to do it! When I went to college, my parents wrote the checks. That’s it. I tried to do my daughter the same favor…the favor of letting her figure it out. And yes, I keep sending the money.

-Little Jane doesn’t need your help finding a roommate. She can do it.

-Since I mentioned roommates, I have to say this: if your child is going away to college and has the option of living off campus freshman year, resist that urge. Freshmen need to live on campus. It’s how they make friends…almost immediately. I don’t care if Little Janie has never had to share a room or bathroom before. My daughter is an only child and has always had her own room and bathroom, but she lives in a traditional dorm and shares a bathroom with her roommate. She absolutely loves dorm life, because she has made lots of friends. I saw a post on the parent page just yesterday that said, “My freshman daughter who lives off campus has had trouble making friends.” They need to feel like a part of the college community. They also need to learn to share space with other people. Off-campus living is a big mistake freshman year.

-Plan ahead to decorate dorm rooms for girls, but don’t overdo it. It’s claustrophobic when you put too much stuff in a dorm room. And remember: whatever you take in there, you will eventually have to bring out.

-Once they get there, they might have bouts of homesickness or sadness. It’s normal. Don’t go pick them up and bring them home. Be positive. I remember my daughter calling me soon after class started. She was sad. I was on vacation, but I sat down and said very positive things to her…in a calm, soothing tone. Three hours and a new friend later, she called to tell me how happy she was!

-Know you will say the wrong things to them sometimes. If it’s your first child going to college, you are on a learning curve too.

This is all I have for right now. I’m empty-nesting on a beach today, but I’m sure I will think of more in the months leading up to move-in day. I get lots of fodder from the parents’ page on Facebook!

–

by Kelly Mattei

Visiting Our Daughter in College

Visiting our daughter in college.

This past weekend, I went to visit our daughter in college. If you have read anything I have written lately, you already know she is a freshman at my alma mater. In fact, you probably know she participated in sorority recruitment and pledged. You probably know she had a medical emergency soon thereafter, and soon after that, she was in an automobile accident while I was out of the country. That was a couple of weeks ago. I would say it has been a couple of quiet weeks since, but I don’t want to jinx it, so I’m not going to say it.

I arrived in Tuscaloosa (she goes to the University of Alabama) Friday evening and checked into the hotel, prepared to go to the football game against Vanderbilt Saturday. We do not have season tickets to the games, because we usually only go to a game or two a year, but I do have connections to get good seats, so I scored some club level seats for four of us…my daughter and a friend, me, and my friend, Angela.

For those who don’t know, it’s commonplace for freshmen girls to have dates with freshmen boys for the football games at Alabama. Our daughter had a date for Saturday’s game, so I knew I probably wouldn’t see much of her before the game, and I might not see her much during the game either. In talking with some other parents before the game, I discovered lots of parents don’t know that. One mom said she couldn’t believe she had traveled all the way from Virginia to see her daughter, and she was barely spending time with her. But I was prepared. I knew that would be the case. Heck, I barely saw her when she was still living at home! Plus, I remember college. I remember just wanting to be in the thick of things. I loved my parents, but hanging out with “old people” when I could be having fun? That was not on my agenda. It’s not on my daughter’s agenda either!

And as my friend, Lauren, says about our daughter, “The wind wasn’t blowing hard the day that apple fell from the tree!” Honestly, I had fun in college, but our daughter is a lot more fun and less reserved than I was. She just flies by the seat of her pants, and she doesn’t want to miss a thing. So was it a big surprise to me that she didn’t want to spend every moment with me? Not at all.

Truly, I decided the trip down to Alabama was really for my own peace of mind. She didn’t care if I visited or not. Do some parents get their feelings hurt by that? I’m sure they do. But I told our girl in advance that I didn’t expect her to spend a lot of time with me. I told her I wanted her to do what she wanted, but I’d love to have a meal or two with her.

Here’s the funny thing: I am absolutely thrilled that she didn’t want to spend lots of time with me. You can think I’m crazy, but let me explain. It goes back to the old “no news is good news.” If she doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with me, it means she is happy where she is. It’s not that she doesn’t care about me. It means she is so secure in the knowledge that I love her that she feels free to do what she wants. I’m cool with it. I think I wrote once about something I heard Dr. Lisa Damour, a well-known author and psychologist say. She compared the world to a big swimming pool, and the edge of the pool represents parents. Our kids dive into the pool (the world) and swim right out. Sometimes, they get tired or scared, and they swim back over to hold onto the edge of the pool (parents) for a few minutes. But soon, they’re swimming back out to the middle of the action. That’s my daughter in the world right now…except she isn’t swimming over to the edge very often…and that means she is feeling pretty confident about her swimming ability!

Before the game, my daughter and her best friend were with their dates at their fraternity house. I was visiting friends in other places on campus. I had “transferred” two digital tickets to my daughter, so we didn’t have to wait for her to go into the stadium. Angela and I went to the stadium a little while before game time, and at about kickoff, my daughter and her friend came strolling into the club…starving. So they grabbed some food from the buffet and sat down with us for a few minutes before going to their game seats, where we joined them a little while later. At halftime, they announced they were going back to join their dates, and we didn’t see them again that night. Our team won, and we left the stadium happy. The next day, we all had brunch together, and after all the fun had died down Sunday night, she went out to dinner with me and then came over to the hotel and watched a movie with me, snuggled up in bed, just like old times.

All of this is my long way of saying that if you visit your child at college and he/she doesn’t spend a lot of time with you, say a prayer of thanks. Be thankful that they are so happy where they are and so comfortable in their relationship with you. Be happy that they are out swimming in the middle of the pool all by themselves! There will still be times they need to swim back to the edge, but it’s not today.

I’m saying my prayer of thanks right now.

*If you’re interested in reading some of Lisa Damour’s books, you can purchase them on Amazon here.*

by Kelly Mattei

Pre-Departure Breakdown

Pre-departure breakdown.

The daughter leaves in three days. I haven’t had a breakdown. My husband hasn’t had a breakdown. In fact, our daughter only had a minor sniffle earlier today because she is going to miss her friends.

But something wicked this way comes…

I can feel it in the air at our house. I’m a little tense. She’s a little tense. And she is trying to squeeze in as much time with her friends as she possibly can. She slept at a friend’s house last night and came home long enough today to pick which clothes she wants to pack…or maybe I should say she picked which clothes she wants me to pack for her. And that’s OK.

After she dashed out to spend time with her friends again, my husband said, “Wow. She doesn’t want to spend time with us as much as she wants to spend time with her friends.” I told him, “That’s normal. In fact, I would be worried if she wanted to be with us more than she wants to be with her friends right now.” He looked surprised, so I explained further, “She knows we are here for her. She knows we always love her. We are the sure thing. But her friends are all going in different directions. I’m glad she wants to spend time with her friends.” And he got it. The fact that she wants to be with her friends means she feels secure in her relationship with us. It’s a good thing. We should actually be flattered by it.

It’s like when a kid behaves perfectly well in public but then gets home and acts like the spawn of Satan. My mother used to tell a story about 4-yr-old me. She said she took me somewhere, and I acted like a perfect angel, but when we got home…I was mean and fussy. She finally asked me, “Why do you act like this at home?” My 4-yr-old answer? “Where else can I act like this?” And she got it. She said, “Nowhere, honey. Just here…where we love you.” She knew I felt secure enough at home to have the breakdowns and act a little out of sorts. I knew she would love me no matter what. And that’s what our college-age daughter is feeling right now. She knows we will always love her no matter what, but she is trying to cement her relationships with friends before she leaves.

So yes, she teared up a little earlier, telling me she was going to miss her friends. She then told me, as we were packing her clothes, that one friend texted her earlier that she had a full-on meltdown about leaving for college. I think our daughter knows it is going to happen to her too. She had a fearful look in her eye. And I reminded her that she is going to be OK. She will, in fact, love it once she gets there and gets through the initial jitters. She laughed and said, “I feel like I am going to sleepaway camp. I guess it’s kind of like that.” I said, “Oh, honey…it’s so much better. You’ll have a brand new dorm room with a great roommate and your own bathroom. You’ll have lots of new friends. You’ll have lots of boys to meet…they don’t have boys at sleepaway camp.” She laughed. She knows I’m right.

She also remembered that I said I would like for her to stay there till Thanksgiving, so she can become a part of the community, and she asked, “What if I want to come home one weekend?” I laughed and said, “Honey, you know I will get you home if you need to come home.”

She can always come home.

I reminded her of something that happened when she was on a group trip hiking across Iceland a few years ago. They were near a volcano, and the guide told them it was overdue for an eruption. Apparently, she also told them that air traffic is halted for a month when the volcano erupts. (I actually remember that happening 10 or 12 years ago.) Another girl on the trip panicked and ran to their tent (yes, a tent…ugh). My daughter followed her in there, and the friend said, “We could be stuck here for an extra month if it erupts!” And my daughter replied, “Don’t worry. There is no way my mother will let that happen. If that volcano erupts, she will find a way to get us out of here. She knows people.” I laughed out loud when she told me that after she returned home from Iceland. But she wasn’t wrong…I do know people…people who could have “extracted” her from Iceland in no time. And so today, when she was saying she might need to visit home before Thanksgiving, I assured her she can always come home. But if it’s just homesickness…try to stick it out, because she will enjoy college life a lot more if she becomes a part of the community, and you can’t do that if you’re running home all the time. Make college your home.

So with three days left before departure, I feel pretty sure a meltdown is on the horizon. The question is…will it be my meltdown or hers?!?!