You have a high school graduate.
I just saw a video of Jennifer Garner on Instagram. She was crying, because her daughter just graduated from high school. In one clip, she asks, “How are we gonna make it?!” Of course, lots of people responded, but my favorite comment was, “Why aren’t people making us casseroles?” I laughed until I cried thinking of a mom being so distraught over her child leaving that she needed comfort food, and while I loved that comment, because I also love any opportunity to make or receive a casserole, I know a secret.
My secret? Having your child graduate and move off to college (or the military or trade school or ATC school or the police academy or whatever) is not the end of the world. In fact, it’s the opposite! If you have more than one child, you’re likely to feel like your life continues on about the same trajectory until all your babies have left the nest. I have one child, so when my daughter went off to college, my husband and I became empty-nesters…empty-nesters who are still paying all our daughter’s bills, but empty-nesters, nonetheless. And you know what? After we dropped her off at her university 450 miles away, the world didn’t come to an end! Our old life ended, but a new life began, and it’s a lot of fun!
I saw a video clip from the TV show, Modern Family, recently that really hit home. In the video, Jay, the family patriarch, talks about how we fall in love with a baby, and then the baby becomes a toddler, and on and on through different stages of life, but we never have time to miss the baby, because it’s replaced with another version of itself…a “toddler with the greatest laugh on earth.” And it’s true! I have loved every stage of our daughter’s life! Has it always been easy? That first year was especially tough. I remember thinking on her first birthday, “I survived the first year.” Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the first year too, but there was some survival involved. I think the fact that it’s not easy is what makes us appreciate it. Struggling with a newborn just bonds us!
My next door neighbor, who is a grandmother several times over, told me recently that she feels like those early years with kids at home are a real gift, but they are a sacrifice too. Once our kids are grown and out of the house, we miss them, but we are grateful for the gift they continue to be (even with crises), and we appreciate not making the daily sacrifices. Since our daughter went off to college, my husband I don’t have to get up early every morning to make sure our daughter gets out to school. Like many people these days, we can do our work from home…or anywhere, for that matter. If we want to leave town during the school year, we can! If we want to eat dinner standing over the kitchen sink, we can! For me, I love that our lives are no longer built around a school schedule. Of course, there are other sacrifices. College is not cheap. Trips abroad for our daughter are not cheap. Also, we have to worry from afar instead of worrying about her in our own home. If she’s in Italy, we worry about her in Italy. If she’s in Tuscaloosa, we worry about her in Tuscaloosa. However, the minute-to-minute sacrifices aren’t there like they are when our children are younger. I don’t spend my weekends at soccer or lacrosse tournaments anymore, praise the Lord! I don’t volunteer at her school anymore, thank God. At the same time, though, we don’t get to watch her play lacrosse, and we don’t have her here every day anymore.
Is it difficult when they first leave? Yes. I’m not gonna kid you about that. The house is quieter. The friends are not in and out all the time anymore, and at first, I was sad about that. Then, by the Christmas of her freshman year, I guess I had grown accustomed to having my own space, because when all the friends were here, I was surprised at how loud and intrusive it could feel! Don’t get me wrong…after a couple of days, it became the norm again, and by the time she went back to school that January, I had to get used to the peace and quiet again.
All this is my long way of saying this: embrace the change! It’s a great stage of life! Do I miss my girl when she’s not here? Yes, but I also appreciate the time she is here, and I appreciate the extra time to do what I want to do. If you have a child who has graduated and is leaving soon for college, the military, or something else, take the time right now, before they go, to make a plan for yourself. Know in advance how you are going to fill up that quiet time! It’s easier to adjust if you have a plan. Play mahjong! Play pickleball! Learn to play bridge! Volunteer somewhere! After our daughter left, I started getting more exercise, and I spend a lot of time planning vacations. I don’t go on vacation constantly, but it’s fun to research destinations. I also spend time with friends once or twice a week.
You can do this, Mama! I think you will find empty-nesting is not scary. It’s fun. Fill up the weekends doing what you want to do! Embrace the change!
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