I love nostalgic gifts, and I believe lots of other people do too. There’s something fun about remembering old times, and a gift that can conjure up those memories is usually a hit! Polaroid does that for me. I can remember Polaroid cameras from my childhood, my teen years, and even as an adult! When I was a kid, it was fun waiting for the picture to develop, and back then, it was the only way we could see a photo almost instantly! I took one on a school trip to Mexico, and I still have the fun photos! Times have changed, but it’s still fun to print out instant photos instead of just looking at them on our phones. I have used Polaroids at parties as parting gifts and used them at other times for capturing new memories. I even see people using them online to surprise people with a picture of an unexpected guest standing behind them at a party!
Someone on your list would love a Polaroid, and now it comes in a bundle when you purchase the Polaroid Now+ Generation 2 – Camera + Film Bundle (16 Photos Included) – Bluetooth Connected App Controlled Instant Film Camera from Amazon. This is not the Polaroid of your childhood…it’s better! It still offers fun instant photos, but it also offers a Bluetooth compatible app that increases creativity, and the bundle comes with film and extra lens filters! It will be a favorite gift this Christmas! Or gift one to yourself and use it to make new memories during the holiday season! It’s offered in Black and White, so you can choose! It gets great reviews on Amazon, and it’s priced at less than $160 for the whole bundle! I’m buying a black one as soon as I finish typing. My daughter will have a lot of fun capturing memories at college with a Polaroid. Purchase now at Amazon here.
What does an Izod shirt have in common with a Stanley cup?
If you are a woman who was alive during the 1980s, you likely know the answer to that question immediately. Whether you know the answer or not, stick with me to see the correlation.
Women and teenagers all over the country are going crazy for Stanley cups…snatching up special editions at Target and carrying giant cups of water (vodka?) everywhere they go. Don’t get me wrong. I am not making fun. I love the fact that people are doing a better job of staying hydrated. Stanley brand, of course, is laughing all the way to the bank. After all these years of making thermoses, they have an even bigger moneymaker with these cups!
Apparently, however, teenagers (mostly girls, I think) are being bullied if they don’t have a Stanley cup. People are all up in arms over the fact that their teenage daughters are being “bullied” because they don’t have Stanley cups. (Don’t get me wrong. I know bullying is never OK.) Therefore, lots of people are complaining that it is shameful and sad that teenage girls are going crazy over this product.
They’re acting like it’s a new phenomenon.
It’s nothing new. And this is where the Izod shirts come in. Welcome to the 1980s, when teenage girls went crazy over them…for a while. You could have a cute polo-style collared shirt, but if it didn’t have an alligator emblem on it (or later, a Ralph Lauren Polo symbol), it wasn’t cool. The early ones were pique knit and solid-colored, but they eventually made cute striped ones in a more stretchy knit with solid collars. Every teenage girl wanted them, it seemed. My own mother was not big on overpaying for things, but she did purchase me one…a turquoise one. It’s likely it was a birthday gift. However, my godmother came to town for a visit and brought me a few more in different colors…yellow, red, green! We didn’t have social media then, so it couldn’t be used for constant promotion, but girls all over the country wanted their parents to overpay for those Izod shirts. I talked to someone recently who said her mother would buy cheaper versions of the shirt and cut the alligators off the shirts she didn’t wear anymore…applying them to the newer, cheaper shirts!
You know what else we wanted back in the 80s? Nike sneakers, Tretorn sneakers, Add-a-Bead necklaces and bracelets, Ray-ban Sunglasses, Wood-handled Bermuda bags, Twist-a-Bead necklaces, those awful Jessica McClintock Gunne Sax dresses, Guess jeans, and more. Like I said, Mother wasn’t big on overpaying for things, so I had to add lots of things to my birthday and Christmas lists. The Nike sneakers were not a tough sell with Mother, for some reason, and I got some white Nikes with a turquoise swoosh. My aunt gave me an Add-a-Bead necklace for Christmas! I don’t think I had any Ray-bans or Vuarnets until college, and honestly, that was not a smart thing for me to do, since I broke one pair and lost the other. Did I get every trendy item? No, but I remember wanting them all!
My friend, Angela, still talks about the friend she had who had lots of different colored Bermuda bags to attach to the wood handles as a handbag…all of them monogrammed with her initials or the monogram of their school, for cheer purposes. It’s funny what we remember!
Here’s my point: the Stanley cup craze may be the latest trend, but it certainly isn’t the first and won’t be the last. This has been going on forever. And you know what? If someone wants to spend their money on a Stanley cup, why does someone else care? It’s their money. No one tells me how to spend my money, so who am I to tell someone else how to spend theirs?
Do I think kids and teenagers should be “bullying” people if they don’t have a Stanley cup? No, but I do think it’s something that has been going on since the beginning of time in the teenage world. Maybe it’s just part of growing up. Weren’t we all “bullied” about something in the 1980s? I don’t mean threatened. I mean we were embarrassed because we had “Bill’s Dollar Store” stamped on a notebook our mother purchased there (my mother loved to buy notebooks at Bill’s Dollar Store, seeing no reason to spend two or three times as much when she could buy bunches of them there for practically nothing) or some other silly thing. No joke…I was so embarrassed that my mother bought those notebooks that I ripped the covers off all of them, carrying around notebooks with no covers all school year. Sounds silly, but at least I didn’t have to listen to, “Your mom shops at Bill’s Dollar Store??!?!” Maybe it’s one of those struggles we just have to survive to be tough enough to make it in the real world. I do know we had to be tough in the 80s. Maybe it made me tougher to have to wait for my Izod when other people had those highly desirable items? Maybe it taught us that everyone can’t have everything. I mean, in the real world, everybody can’t have the same thing.
These days, besides the Stanley cup, they want Skimms shirts, Lululemon leggings, expensive sneakers, and more. By comparison, the Stanley cup is downright inexpensive, and it will last forever!
If so, this video game chair could be the perfect gift! For about $100, the gamer on your list gets a headrest, a footrest, and lumbar support! Get it while supplies last here.
My daughter just turned 20 a few days ago. She’s a sophomore in college, living her best life. My husband and I traveled to her university to celebrate her, and a good time was had by all! In fact, we are still enjoying our time with her and her friends! It did, however, make me think about how fortunate she is that she will turn 21 at the beginning of her junior year in college. She is definitely not the youngest in her class, and believe me when I say I tried to design it that way.
I was one of the youngest in my grade growing up. I wasn’t the youngest, but with a late May birthday, I definitely wasn’t one of the older ones. Add in the fact that I was short with a round little face, so I looked even younger. I was among the last in my grade to get my driver’s license, and then, in college, I was one of the last of my friends to turn 21…after the end of my junior year of college!
Some of you who didn’t experience that might not think it matters. Maybe it didn’t matter at all to some of you when you were growing up. It mattered to me. I hated that I was among the last in my grade to get my driver’s license, and in college, I especially hated that I was among the last of my friends to turn 21. It mattered…a lot. It mattered so much to me, in fact, that I literally had a countdown from my 20th birthday to my 21st. I could tell you exactly how many days, hours, and minutes it was until my birthday. Yes, I would actually say things to my friends like, “I will be 21 in exactly 163 days, 7 hours, and 22 minutes.” Annoying? I’m sure. Weird? Probably. But I wanted to be 21.
It makes me wonder about the kids who skip grades. I’m not condemning that concept, so don’t come at me. I will fight back, you know. Personally, for me, it would have been a terrible thing to be the youngest among my “peers,” especially if I were a year younger! Lots of people in college don’t want to be the one who can’t go to the bar when everyone else can. I have a friend whose daughter is the youngest in her friend group, and when Taylor Swift was in Nashville, the daughter was one week shy of her 21st birthday. All her friends were in Nashville and able to go out to bars, but she couldn’t go to all of them. She could go to the 18+ or 19+ bars, but not the real bars. She felt left out of the fun.
When I was a little girl, in first and second grade, it was recommended that I skip a grade. My mother, in her wisdom, refused. She would point out how small I was. And she would also say, “She does not need to be behind the curve socially. No, she’s staying where she is.” She was wise. No, I’m not saying you are unwise if you let your kid skip a grade. You do you. I am saying I definitely would not have been socially ready for college a year earlier. I will say I see a lot of great athletes who are young in their grade at school and could have been even greater athletes if they’d had another year to grow. My child was eligible to go to kindergarten in North Carolina in 2008, but I wanted her to do a year of transitional kindergarten. I didn’t want her to be the youngest in the grade. I wanted her to have the most athletic opportunities she could have, if she wanted them (she did). I wanted her to be among the first to get her driver’s license, and among the first to turn 21 in college.
By giving my girl an October birthday, I ensured that she will be among the first to turn 21 in her class in college. She has thanked me many times for it. My husband and I were thrilled that she was among the first to turn 16, because it meant she would be responsible for driving herself, instead of being dependent on other teens. We trusted her driving, because we taught her, and we made her have double the number of practice driving hours required by the state of North Carolina to get her license. With 120 practice hours, she was a fairly experienced driver for a 16-yr-old.
So now I’m wishing a belated Happy Birthday to our 20-yr-old! That sounds weird to say. She will be 21 in 350-something days.
***I’m not an educator. I’m not a psychologist. I’m not qualified in any way to say whose kid should start school when. I’m a mom and a person who turned 16 and 21 after all her friends. I’m not offering parenting advice or educational advice in any way, shape, or fashion.***
Let me start by telling you I am not a professional anything. I’m not a psychologist or an educational counselor or anything like that. However, I am a mom of a college freshman. If you have a high school senior who is planning to attend college next year, I have some tips for you. Take them or leave them. Everybody does their own thing, but these are based on experience and observations.
-Join the Facebook parents’ page of your son or daughter’s future college or university as soon as you know where he/she is going.
-If you choose to post on said page, be careful what you post. Always remember your name can be linked back to your child, and you don’t want them to start college having to live down “where can little Johnny meet a girlfriend?”
-In fact, also on said page, resist the urge to post snarky replies to stupid questions. The stupid questions will be plentiful, but just resist the urge. Call your friends and laugh about it instead.
-Let your future college student handle the logistics of registering for everything. You don’t need to do it for him/her. Let them register for orientation, if necessary. It’s OK to remind them. It’s even OK to scan the parent page for info or recommendations, but let your student do it! Same with picking classes…make recommendations, but don’t make their schedule for them. Let them learn how to do it! When I went to college, my parents wrote the checks. That’s it. I tried to do my daughter the same favor…the favor of letting her figure it out. And yes, I keep sending the money.
-Little Jane doesn’t need your help finding a roommate. She can do it.
-Since I mentioned roommates, I have to say this: if your child is going away to college and has the option of living off campus freshman year, resist that urge. Freshmen need to live on campus. It’s how they make friends…almost immediately. I don’t care if Little Janie has never had to share a room or bathroom before. My daughter is an only child and has always had her own room and bathroom, but she lives in a traditional dorm and shares a bathroom with her roommate. She absolutely loves dorm life, because she has made lots of friends. I saw a post on the parent page just yesterday that said, “My freshman daughter who lives off campus has had trouble making friends.” They need to feel like a part of the college community. They also need to learn to share space with other people. Off-campus living is a big mistake freshman year.
-Plan ahead to decorate dorm rooms for girls, but don’t overdo it. It’s claustrophobic when you put too much stuff in a dorm room. And remember: whatever you take in there, you will eventually have to bring out.
-Once they get there, they might have bouts of homesickness or sadness. It’s normal. Don’t go pick them up and bring them home. Be positive. I remember my daughter calling me soon after class started. She was sad. I was on vacation, but I sat down and said very positive things to her…in a calm, soothing tone. Three hours and a new friend later, she called to tell me how happy she was!
-Know you will say the wrong things to them sometimes. If it’s your first child going to college, you are on a learning curve too.
This is all I have for right now. I’m empty-nesting on a beach today, but I’m sure I will think of more in the months leading up to move-in day. I get lots of fodder from the parents’ page on Facebook!
For me, this was the single most important message I have wanted to send to my daughter throughout her life: I am your ally. Does it mean I don’t get mad? No. Does it mean I won’t disappoint you? No. There are times I get mad at my daughter. There are times I disappoint her with my reaction to things. However, because we have always had open communication, she knows, deep down, that even though I might get upset about something she does or something she tells me, I will calm down and help her find a solution. She is 19 now…only about eight more months in her teens…and somehow, I feel like I have been successful in the area of communication with her.
When she was growing up, as far back as I can possibly remember, I answered questions honestly. When she was a little girl, if she asked a question, I didn’t sugarcoat it or present some fairytale (like a stork dropping a baby on the front porch); I answered honestly and in an age-appropriate way. Did I always answer perfectly? No. I am the first to say I am an imperfect mother, but that’s part of it. Motherhood is a position in which we learn on the job, so we are going to make mistakes, but we learn as we go.
I follow an Instagram account called Raising Teens Today. It’s not run by a psychologist. It’s run by a mom who also happens to be a public relations professional, and that’s one reason I love it. Her posts are real life posts, not some psycho-babble. Today, she reposted something that said “I hope my daughter grows up thinking ‘I have to tell Mom; she will know what to do’ instead of ‘I’m scared to tell Mom, because she won’t understand.'” Yes. Yes. Yes. Just like that post, I have always wanted my daughter to know she can come to me with anything. Not only that, but she should come to me…and come to me first! ***Raising Teens Today also has a website. You can see it here.***
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure there are things I don’t know about my daughter. I’m not supposed to know everything, just like she isn’t supposed to know everything about me, but if she has a problem, I want to be the first ally she seeks out. Why? Well, I actually have her best interest at heart. Other teenage girls aren’t always looking out for their friends’ best interests. Another reason? I’m going to offer up 55-yr-old wisdom instead of the wisdom of another 19-yr-old. Come on. Do 19-yr-olds really have answers to real life problems? They don’t have enough life experience, and frankly, the frontal lobes of their brains are not fully developed. I have told her the last person to consult for a real problem is another teenager. Yet another reason? Unlike teenage friends, I’m not going to share her private business.
The main reason I want her to come to me, though, is that I want to help her grow into a happy, healthy, productive member of society who knows she is loved…just like she knew she was loved when she was a little girl. We all remember when our college-aged kids were younger. They came to us with everything. Skinned knee? Mama can fix it. Broken bone? Mama will get me to the doctor. Hungry? Mama will feed me. Tired? I can fall asleep in Mama’s lap. Difficulty in school? Mama will help or find me a tutor. Friend problems? I can talk to Mama. Where to go to college? Mama will talk it out with me.
Yes, my daughter’s problems become more serious as she gets older, but it’s every bit as important…maybe more so…that she knows Mama is there for her. As long as I’m alive, I will be her ally. Even after I’m gone, she’ll likely hear my voice in her ear, just like I hear my mother’s regularly. My mother has been gone for five years, but many times, when I have been trying to find an answer to a problem, I remember things she told me.
I was born in the late 1960s, so most of my childhood was in the 1970s. If yours was too, you likely loved McDonald’s. From the time I was a year old until I was seven, I lived in a little town in Alabama that didn’t have McDonald’s. We had a local hamburger drive-in that was really good, but it wasn’t McDonald’s. We even had a Dairy Queen…not McDonald’s. Eventually, we got a Jack’s, a hamburger place based in Birmingham, Alabama, but we still didn’t have McDonald’s when I moved away. We often went to Pensacola or Mobile for doctor appointments or to shop, so we had McDonald’s then, and it was a treat! I’m not kidding…a treat we could hardly wait to get! Those hamburgers! Those fries! Those chocolate shakes!
When I was seven, I moved with my family to the Mobile area, and we got McDonald’s all the time, because McDonald’s was plentiful in Mobile…I mostly remember the two on Government Street, and the one near the University of South Alabama on Old Shell Road. As kids, we even went to birthday parties at McDonald’s, and those were the best birthday parties! When I was eight years old, they even opened a McDonald’s in Bel Air Mall…a big, huge deal, because that whole wing of the mall started smelling like McDonald’s. To kids back then, McDonald’s was a little slice of Heaven.
One night last week, I craved McDonald’s. It happens occasionally. McDonald’s crosses my mind, and I simply have to have it. That night, I hopped in the car and drove to the nearest McDonald’s, got in the drive-thru line, and placed my order: hamburger, large fries, and a large Diet Coke. The service was quick, and I didn’t even make it out of the parking lot before I started gobbling up the feast from the paper bag. That first bite smelled and tasted like childhood happiness. I can’t explain it, but as soon as I unwrapped that burger, I felt like I was a kid again. And the fries? Well, it doesn’t get better than hot McDonald’s fries. I have known that my whole life.
If you’re anywhere near my age, chances are you have some McDonald’s memories. Maybe you went to birthday parties there. Maybe you ate there after every high school home football game (like I did). Maybe you remember the aroma of those hamburgers and French fries. Maybe you remember the McDonaldland characters and can identify all of them! Maybe you went there with high school friends or stopped there for breakfast on the way to school in the morning.
Sadly, the latest generations don’t seem to appreciate McDonald’s like we did. However, our daughter might be one of the exceptions. She loved McDonald’s Happy Meals as a kid. I took her to McDonald’s because I liked it, so she learned to like it too. Sometimes, we met friends there, so the kids could play in the indoor play area. Sometimes, we went to the two-story McDonald’s in South Park in Charlotte. My daughter, when she was a little girl, called it the “upstairs McDonald’s.” But I think a lot of kids didn’t have the joyful McDonald’s experience because society became health conscious and frowned upon it. Too bad, because kids missed out on that little indulgence. McDonald’s is supposed to be fun, and frankly, I think it’s OK in moderation. Do I want my daughter eating there all the time? No, and she doesn’t. But if she wants some fries from there once or twice a month…enjoy!
Fortunately, my daughter has a friend who told me about the McDonald’s App. If you have any appreciation for McDonald’s and don’t have the app, you’re leaving money on the table! Through the app, you can earn points to use toward future purchases, but you have immediate access to special deals like Free Fry Fridays, BOGO offers, and more! Seriously, if all you like about McDonald’s is their perfectly fizzy sodas, get the app now!
Right now, they have a BOGO order on breakfast sandwiches. They also have percentage off offers on different sandwiches, meals, and beverages. Seriously, if you like their coffee (it’s good) you can use the app for deals on that!
So if you’d like to experience a little childhood happiness, go download the app. You’ll be glad you did, because McDonald’s is your kind of place!
Recently, one of my favorite psychologists, Lisa Damour, the author of Untangled (see the book on Amazon here), posted something on Facebook about how to address your preteen/teen daughter’s wardrobe choices. And wow! It stirred up some controversy on her Facebook page! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because everything seems to stir up controversy these days. Below is what she posted. And you can listen to the relevant podcast here.
Courtesy of Lisa Damour’s Facebook page
If you have ever read anything I have written, you know I am the mother of a teenage daughter. She’s 18 now…almost 19…and a month into her freshman year of college. She has always been a “real” teenager. She likes to have fun. She likes to spend time with friends. She likes to laugh. She likes to go to parties. Somehow, between all the fun, she manages to do the things she is supposed to do too. Thank the Lord.
She’s the perfect daughter for me, but does that mean she’s perfect? No. I’m not the perfect mother or a perfect person, either. But somehow, we survived the middle and high school years. Does that mean we never disagree? Nope. We disagree. When she was younger, we even disagreed occasionally about wardrobe choices. And just like Lisa Damour, I tried to find a way to say things nicely. Was I always successful? No. Sometimes, I probably said things like, “You look like a hoochie mama.” I know. Not kind words, but they got the point across, and chances are, they probably started a “discussion.”
Even when she was four years old, she had a mind of her own. This is not a story of which I am proud, but it happened. One Sunday morning, as we were getting ready to go to church, I said to our daughter, “Pick out which dress you want to wear.” She argued, “I don’t want to wear a dress. Everyone else doesn’t wear dresses to church.” You know what I said next. “Well, I’m not everyone else’s mother, and we wear dresses to church. Now, go into your closet and pick which one you want to wear.” Her dresses were beautifully organized (back then) and hanging in an orderly fashion in her closet. I followed her into the closet, where she promptly and defiantly touched each dress with the tips of her fingers, while saying some things I won’t repeat. ***Here is where I need to tell you my husband had a brain tumor at the time and because of it, lacked judgment on when and where to say things. He had no filter.*** I’m not kidding. I was horrified (I knew where she had heard it), but I also found myself about to laugh. I made a quick decision to ignore the obvious ploy for attention. I turned my back for a moment before turning around and asking her, “Did you pick a dress?” She did, and I never mentioned the offensive language to her, because I didn’t want it to get any attention. I did, however, tell her preschool teacher (at our church!) the next morning when I dropped her off…gave her a heads up that my daughter, my sweet little 4-yr-old daughter, might teach her classmates some new words. Lord, help us.
We didn’t have much wardrobe controversy for several years after that. I had given up on ruffles and bows long before…when she, at 1 1/2 or 2, declared they were “for babies.” I did manage to get her to wear a hair bow for picture day in Transitional Kindergarten, but only because I told her she could take it out immediately after pictures, which she did. In third grade, on picture day, she didn’t want to look prissy. That was a bit of a battle. We finally agreed, much to my dismay, on a blue t-shirt with a sequined pocket. Sadly, it’s the picture that appeared in the school lunchroom on her checkout page every single day when she made a purchase…all the way through senior year…that damned blue shirt with the sequined pocket.
When she got to middle school, I’m sure I had to veto some ensembles, but not likely because they were skimpy…just not appropriate for the occasion, whatever it might have been.
Then along came high school. She got taller, and the clothes got smaller.
The shorts got shorter and tighter. The shirts got tighter and shorter. The heels got higher. It happens. Frankly, I probably would have been more worried about her if it hadn’t happened. And yes, there were times I had to stop her at the door and say, “You’re not wearing that.”
Some people think we shouldn’t expect our girls to be responsible for what other people think of how they dress. I get it, but I’m not one of those people. I think there is a time and place for everything.
When our daughter was in high school, if she wanted to wear short shorts and a crop top or tube top, that was fine…as long as she is just hanging out with her friends. She didn’t need to walk into better retail establishments dressed like that. She didn’t need to go out to dinner dressed like that. She didn’t need to meet parents of dates dressed like that. It’s simply not appropriate, and I don’t think it gives off the impression she wants to give in those situations.
She’s in college now, so I only get pictures after the fact. I have no say-so. I have no opportunity to nix an outfit choice, but so far, I’ve been pleased with the photos she has sent me. Generally speaking, she knows what is appropriate and what is not.
Come on. Let’s face it. What we wear does say something about us. Every time I get dressed to go somewhere, I am very aware of what I look like. Sometimes, I am dressed like a casual mom, and I know it. Sounds silly, but jeans and a gingham shirt are not going to a fine dining establishment. A comfy, cotton dress? That’s not going either. Sneakers? Nope. I can wear all of those to the grocery store, a sporting event, or for running erands, but if I’m going to a fine dining establishment, I want to dress like I know what I’m doing.
Even when I go to the doctor, I tend to try to dress up a little. It’s about respect, right? I don’t have to be a beauty queen, but don’t we all know people get treated with a little more respect when we look like we have made some effort to look our best? I can’t speak for everyone, but if I look good, I feel good. It’s just the way I roll. If I’m dressed sloppily, I tend to feel sloppy.
So yes, I have been known to stop my daughter from walking out the door dressed in certain ways…when she was younger. Don’t get me wrong…I’m pretty easy going. But if her date’s parents are coming over or picking her up for dinner, she needs to look like she wants their respect. I think this is what school dress codes are all about…teaching kids how to dress appropriately, but most schools don’t seem to care anymore. Later, when our daughter goes for a job interview, she needs to look like she has some self respect.
If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?!?
If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you? That’s my message to her. Fortunately, this is not a conversation we have had much in the past couple of years…mostly when she was a young teen.
So yes, I agreed with Lisa Damour’s post. Not everyone did, and that’s OK. We all have our own opinions, and that’s what makes the world go ’round.
Oh, it’s the Facebook parent page for my daughter’s university again! A parent posted that her son stopped going to class after his computer broke. They are four weeks into the semester, and she is getting him a new computer, but he seems to have given up. The mom doesn’t know what to do to motivate him, and she wonders if maybe she should just cut the losses and bring him home.
Of course, there were lots of suggestions. Some said, “Rent a laptop from the library.” Others said, “Maybe he’s not really ready for college.” Quite a few said, “Maybe you should encourage him to get back in the game. It’s early.” And then, someone said, “When do we let them start making their own adult decisions on their own?” That one made me think.
When do we let them start making their own adult decisions on their own?
That’s a tough question. Should we allow our college students to make their own adult decisions with no input from us, their parents?
The first thing that came to mind for me was, “I’m paying for it. I’m paying a lot of money for our daughter’s college education, so yes, I have input.“ I can have an opinion, and I can tell her what I expect from her. I make no bones about it. Our daughter is very social, so even before she went to college, I stressed to her that while her social life is very important, she has to take care of business first so she can stay in school to enjoy the social aspects. Does that mean she remembers that conversation? Not necessarily, but I ask regularly, “Are you taking care of business?”
Another thing that came to mind about “allowing her to make her own adult decisions on her own” is that I don’t always make adult decisions on my own…and I’m 55 years old! When I was in college, I regularly got my parents’ input about big decisions. Heck…until my parents were dead, I regularly got their input about adult decisions! And now that I don’t have my parents, I often turn to my spouse, other family members, or friends. I get lots of info and do my research before making big decisions. And you know what? I don’t want my college-age daughter getting all her advice or input from other college-aged people. I have always told her it’s good to get input from friends, but she needs to remember their brains aren’t fully developed either. They don’t have any more life experience than she does! I have stressed that she should come to me for advice, because I have a lot more life experience, and I always have her best interest at heart.
Think about it. What are college students like? There are some who do their schoolwork and work toward an educational goal with no distractions or interference. That’s not my child, and honestly, I don’t want her to be that student. There are college students who quickly find a good balance; they enjoy some social time while working hard in school. There are those who play a lot, and the academic part is secondary. And then there are all kinds of students in between.
My daughter falls somewhere in the balance/having fun category. The first semester of college is quite an adjustment! And since she is at an SEC school, football season is a big deal, and she pledged a sorority, which does take some time. I want her to have fun. That’s why I encouraged her to take the easiest classes she could this first semester, so she can learn to manage her time and become accustomed to college. It can take a while for them to learn how it all works! I remember! By my sophomore year, I knew how college worked, and I had a system for “taking care of business” while still having a good time. I think some kids jump in with the hardest classes they can take freshman year, and for some of them, it causes problems/stress. They need some guidance. Mine’s not taking the hardest classes, and she might not even need my guidance, but I “check in” regularly, and I always remind her that I am always ready to help.
She’s almost 19 years old. That means she has less than one year of adulthood experience. Would you hire a lawyer who had one year of experience and no mentors? No. Would you want a surgeon who had one year of experience and no assistance? No. I’m not expecting my almost-19-yr-old to make all her own decisions. In fact, she’s going to get my input whether she wants it or not right now.
So when will I allow her to make adult decisions on her own? She makes some of them on her own every single day. But the big decisions? Personally, I don’t think she really wants to. As long as my husband and I are on this planet, she can come to us. And if it’s something I know nothing about, I will encourage her to go to someone with more knowledge…no doubt. Will I make all her decisions for her? No way. But if I think she is making a bad decision or needs my help, I will let her know it…even from 450 miles away.
I’ve said it a million times…no matter how old they are, they’re still our “babies.”
Last night, my daughter and one of her friends came back to our house to sleep after going to a party. They got home around midnight. My daughter poured herself a bowl of Reese’s Puffs cereal, but her friend requested a grilled cheese sandwich. I was flattered that she asked and happy to make it. All my daughter’s friends know I make a “special” grilled cheese. I know you’re thinking “it’s just grilled cheese,” but if you’re thinking that, you have never had my grilled cheese.
The girls went upstairs, taking their food with them (they remembered to bring their plates and cups down), and a little while later, my daughter texted me asking if some friends could come over for a little while. She asked, very nicely, if I would prepare grilled cheese sandwiches for her friends. I was secretly thrilled she had asked, so I responded, “Tell them to come on over, and tell them to come in through the garage. I will get the grilled cheese ready. Y’all will need to stay in the kitchen and keep it down to a low roar, so we don’t wake your daddy.”
Y’all might think I’m crazy. (Trust me when I say it wouldn’t be the first time someone called me that.) My husband certainly does. He thinks midnight is too late to be awake, so when I tell him we are having visitors after midnight…well, he just can’t process that concept. Who in their right mind would let teenagers come over in the middle of the night for grilled cheese sandwiches? I can tell you who…me! I love when they want to come to our house! I’m a total night owl who loves her daughter’s friends! I love that they request my “special” grilled cheese! I’m always happy to see them. So when I closed the door behind me on the way to the kitchen, I told my husband to go on to sleep. He said, “Make sure the door is locked and the alarm is on before you come back to bed.” He then rolled his eyes at me, and I closed the door.
I was pulling one of my favorite hoodies on over my pajamas as I walked into the kitchen and started getting out all the ingredients. Just as I had gotten started, I heard my daughter and her friend come downstairs and meet the guests as they came in through the garage. They came into the kitchen and started laughing and talking…music to my ears. Now I understand why my mother loved to have my friends over. Even after I became a full-fledged adult (in my forties), she loved when I had my friend, Angela, meet me at her house for a visit. I guess Angela and I revert back to college-age, because Mother always said, “I feel like I have college students in my house again!” She loved it.
There are lots of reasons I like to see my daughter’s friends walking into my kitchen. I’m glad they feel comfortable showing up here whenever they like. I’m flattered they like my “special” grilled cheese. (Yes, it really is special, and I won’t give away my secrets.) I love hearing them laugh and talk. But most of all, I am especially happy that they know I am a friendly face for them, and our house is a safe space. During the late night visits, I always take the opportunity to remind them they can call me to pick them up anytime they need a ride. And I hope they will remember these nights fondly years from now. I have mentioned before that my next-door neighbor once told me the friends of her grown children tell her some of their best high school memories were made at her house. I want these kids to say the same thing. I want them to have good memories of coming to our house to hang out. I want them to feel comfortable rehashing their evening fun while I “cook.” And yes, I want them to laugh about my willingness to make grilled cheese sandwiches for them at any hour.
Juniors and seniors show up on a regular basis. The seniors that come for visits are going off to college soon.But I’m not just making memories for them. I’m getting to know them all better, and I’m making memories for myself too! What I’m really hoping is that they will come visit me when they come home from college over the next few years. I’m hoping they’ll ring my phone and ask if they can come over for a late night grilled cheese.
And while they’re here, I hope they’ll say, “Some of my best high school memories were made at your house, Mrs. Mattei!”
Kelly's Favorite Things 