Category / advice

by Kelly Mattei

Best Items I Purchased On Amazon This Year

Best items I purchased on Amazon this year (so far).

The year’s not over, but for those who might want to do some holiday shopping, I have listed more than 20 of my “best purchases” to share, starting in January of 2024. It’s a big mix of price points and products. You might have seen some of them before, but there are likely some you haven’t seen! These would make great gifts for family, friends, or party hosts/hostesses! Here we go…

  • Amazon Fire TV. I purchased one for my daughter’s bedroom at school and then turned around and purchased one for use on our back patio! At $99 right now, you cannot beat the deal on this Smart TV! Get it here.
  • Bible Jar. It’s a little thing that can make a big difference. I sent one to my daughter, and I sent one to myself too! Inside the jar are Bible verses that are color-coded to your needs. Feeling anxious? Angry? Happy? Sad? Lonely? It’s all there, and you can just pull out a color-coded verse. It makes a great gift. Right now it’s priced under $15. Get it at Amazon here.
  • Lolavie Glossing Detangler. I love this stuff! It makes my hair smooth and shiny, and it doesn’t take much to get the desired effect! I stumbled upon it as a free gift when I purchased something, and then I had to go buy it at Amazon! Get it here.

  • Amazon Essentials Women’s Lightweight Terry Joggers. Y’all, I feel like I’m walking around in my pajamas when I go out in these, but they aren’t pajamas. They’re just that comfortable! Pair them with a tunic sweater, and they’re great for airline travel. Priced at $19. Get them here.
  • Colorful Crystal Hoop Earrings. Sure, I have some nicer earrings, but these are colorful and match almost everything! These are great for travel, because you can wear them with so many things, day or night! They’re priced right at under $15, so if you lose one, you won’t sweat it. In fact, go ahead and buy two pairs on the front end! Get them here.
  • Seekway Water Shoes. I ordered these on a whim right before we went to the Bahamas, and after we got there, I realized how smart I was! Wow! I could walk around the beach and sandbars without worrying about stepping on sharp objects. I love them! They come in lots of colors, and the price is right! Get them here.
  • Foot Massager. This is listed as a foot massager, but it’s more of a TENS machine for the feet, and I love it. It folds up nicely in my suitcase, so I can take it anywhere I go! When I have been on my feet all day, it helps my feet and legs relax. Or if I’m struggling with Restless Leg Syndrome at night, this will sometimes help. Priced under $40, and there’s an 8% off coupon you can use with it at time of writing. Get it here.
  • Neoprene Socks. This goes back to a trip to the Bahamas. I purchased these neoprene socks to wear under my fins when I’m snorkeling, so the fins don’t rub blisters on my heels or toes. They work great, and they’re even helpful when walking on the beach too. Priced under $15 at time of writing. Get them here.
  • Personal Air Cooler. Sometimes, hotel air conditioners just don’t get the job done. A fan helps, but a personal air cooler really helps. It’s the difference in good sleep and no sleep. This one is small enough to fit into my suitcase, and from the nightstand, it blows cool air directly on my face or the back of my neck. I love it. Highly recommend, and it’s 30% off right now! Get it here.
  • Yukon Charlie’s Hammerhead Sled. Greatest sled ever made, if you’re asking me! We have enjoyed Yukon Charlie’s Hammerhead Sleds for years! It’s fast, sturdy, and somewhat steerable. At $199, it’s expensive, but the kids will love it if it snows! Get it here.
  • JBL Vibe Beam or JBL Vibe Buds. I have purchased both of these wireless ear buds, and I love both of them. I guess it’s just personal preference. I can tell you this…I will not purchase any more Apple Air Pods. I lose them too easily, and these are much less expensive and more comfortable. Get the Beam here. Get the Buds here.
  • Stitch Gun, Tagging Gun for Clothes. Y’all, how did I live without this?!?! It has saved me so many times since I purchased it! Dress too low cut? Put a stitch in it! Bra strap keeps showing? Stitch the shirt to it! And yes, i have hemmed pants with it when necessary. Sooo many uses! I love it! Highly recommend! Get it here.
  • Milani Violet Eyelash Primer. I have tried “high dollar” eyelash primers and none have worked as well as this one. This is a secret I almost kept to myself, but you can get it here! It would make a great stocking stuffer!
  • CorDx TyFast 10 Mins Flu A/B & Covid-19 test. Quick and easy! I used this last week when I needed to know if what I had was a cold, the flu, or Covid. It was a cold. I used something similar earlier this year to find out I had flu, but this one is much less expensive. Keep this in your house this winter! Get it here!
  • Window Alarm System 4-Pack. For peace of mind, I got these for my daughter and all her college roommates. It’s easy to install! Get it here.
  • Dr. Barbara Sturm Glow Cream. This is not something I purchased myself, but someone gifted it to me! It’s expensive, but I love it. I use it very sparingly, because it is so expensive. Someone on your list would likely love it! Get it here.
  • Arched Floor Mirror. My daughter needed a full-length mirror for her bedroom in her apartment, and this one does not have to be mounted to the wall. It comes with a stand! Get it here!
  • Round Nightstand Table. When I purchased this for our daughter’s apartment, I thought it was probably going to be junky, but it’s not! She loves it! It required some easy assembly. It looks great in her room! Get it here.
  • Pietro Simone Skincare Dewy Reboot. This serum, while pricy, uses peptides to provide an “intense epidermis reboot.” Love this stuff. A little goes a long way. It would be a great gift for the person who wouldn’t spend it on themselves. Get it here.
  • Rainbow Loom. Hands down, this is one of the greatest inventions ever for kids of all ages. My daughter got her first Rainbow Loom in elementary school. Now that she is a junior in college, she will still pick it up and make some silly rubberband bracelets to relax. It’s a great gift and inexpensive! Get it here.
  • Pawland Wooden Freestanding Pet Gates. My friend, Meg, told me about these when I was complaining about our dogs hanging out in our dining room. These solved the problem! I highly recommend these if you want to make certain spaces off limits to your pets. Get it here.
  • Peter Thomas Roth Instant Eye Tightener. Yes, I bought it, and yes, it works. It’s temporary, but it does work. I had some friends over this summer, and they liked it so much that they went out and bought some too! I haven’t purchased the face tightener, but they said it works too! Get the eye tightener here, and the face tightener here.
  • Hollywood Vanity Mirror. Another purchase for our daughter’s bedroom in her apartment, she uses this every day. Easy setup and operation. Get it here.
  • Credit Card Holder Wallet with RFID protection. I bought one of these for myself when I went to Mexico City earlier this year. Then, one day, my daughter’s friend saw it when we were at dinner, and she loved it! She thought it was a designer label. I ended up ordering them for my daughter and her friend! They make great gifts, and they’re inexpensive. Get the credit card holder here. And the larger credit card wallet here.
  • Thermacell Patio Mosquito Protection. It works! This small machine and its cartridges protect you from mosquitoes. I know, because it even works for me, and mosquitoes seek me out in a crowd! It’s a great gift! Get it here.
  • Deco 79 Recycled Glass Tall Vase. I needed a tall vase for my foyer, and this one did the trick! We love it! Get it here!
  • Meiz Pregnancy Pillow. No, I’m not pregnant. I’m 57, but I love this pregnancy pillow. I have used other brands, but this one is my all time favorite. I sleep so much better with this pillow. The only problem? I can’t travel with it. And yes, it’s also great for pregnant women! Get one here.
  • Lenox Blue Bay Colors Dinnerware. I changed colors in my kitchen this year. I have another “nicer” set of everyday dinnerware, but I wanted to add this to mix and match. I love them. Get them here.
  • Naturalizer Womens Amble Block Heel Loafer. Y’all, these look way more expensive than they are, and I love the tall block heel. They have a little platform, too, so the heel doesn’t feel as tall. I have worn them with pants, but now that it’s getting cooler, I will wear them with dresses and tights too! Get them here.
  • SANTINY Womens Joggers. These are stretchy but look better than joggers, if that makes sense. They almost look like dressier pants. I have them in two camouflage shades and black, and they look great with sweaters or blouses…or even a denim top or jacket. Get them here.

Happy Shopping! All these items have been great purchases (or gifts) for me! ***I might receive commission on items purchased from Amazon through my links.***

by Kelly Mattei

Sorority Rush Prep Should Be Well Underway

Sorority rush prep should be well underway.

If your daughter is participating in sorority recruitment, especially in the south, you need to be knee deep in preparations by now. If not, it’s not too late, but get busy. I wrote a piece in February called Don’t Sweat Fall Sorority Rush Yet, and in it, I included a timeline of preparation. It’s almost mid-June…let’s gooooooooo! To read the piece I mentioned, click here.

In the piece, the timeline mentions the wardrobe in July. That is when it should be shored up and ready to go. Shop now for rush appropriate dresses. That means you don’t want to be too flashy, too skimpy, or too matronly. Most college-age girls know what is fashionable, but if you wouldn’t wear it in front of your boyfriend’s mother, don’t wear it for rush.

If you haven’t registered for rush or made any required videos, get busy. I’ve mentioned this before: don’t read a script for your video, but have some talking points, making sure you cover any prompts they have requested. Smile and be confident, and use good lighting!

Millions of young women have participated in recruitment over the years; you can do this!

Please send any questions, comments, or concerns. I love getting questions!

by Kelly Mattei

Imposter Adult

Imposter adult.

When my college-age daughter was home for the holidays, at some point, she asked me if I feel old. I laughed. I’m 56, which I don’t really consider “old,” but I know anyone over 30 seems old to her. I told her the truth: No, I do not feel old. Sometimes I feel just like I did at her age. Other times, I want to be in my pajamas at 6pm. But overall, I don’t even really feel like an adult. A friend recently posted on Facebook, “People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.” I get you, girl.

I feel like an imposter as an adult.

I know other people have experienced “imposter syndrome,” because there’s a name for it. I think lots of people feel like imposters at work. I never really felt like an imposter when I worked outside the home, and I don’t really feel like an imposter as a mom. I simply feel like as an imposter as an adult.

When I told my daughter this, she gave me one of those sideways looks. She probably said, “Bruh,” even though I’m her mom and not her “bruh.” (It seems to be the word of the moment. I’m still using “dude,” but I guess I need to try to switch to “bruh.”) I went on to explain to her what I meant: I still have a young attitude, for the most part. I still like to try to jump and touch things that appear unreachable. That beam across a ceiling in a parking garage? I want to try to jump and touch it. I’m just a couple inches over five feet, so it’s usually a stretch, but at 56, I still like to try! I love rollercoasters. I hate going to the grocery store. I like to do cannonballs into the pool. I like to go to college bars. I like to stay up late, even though I, generally speaking, don’t want to stay out late. I want to go to speakeasies. I like to go to concerts. I still understand why teenagers and college students enjoy the things they do. I don’t necessarily have to join in on a game of beer pong (even though I have before), but I understand why they enjoy it. Most of all, I love good energy, and I love to laugh. There’s not a lot of fun in adulting. Bills? Responsibilities? I take care of business, but I prefer not to think about those responsibilities all the time.

Do I know I’m not 21 anymore? Yes. Do I sometimes feel like I’m 21? You bet! Would I go back to being 21 again? Maybe. I wouldn’t go back any younger than that, but I would probably be willing to go back to 21. It would be a lot more fun if I could go back to 21 with the “wisdom” I have at 56. I could avoid some of the mistakes I made along the way. Or would I? Those mistakes are part of who I am. They taught me valuable lessons.

Even with all that “wisdom” and those “valuable lessons,” I still feel like a little girl playing grownup most of the time. My parents simply seemed so much more grown up than I do…in my mind, anyway. Perhaps they felt like they were imposters as adults too? I never asked, and they’re no longer with us.

Shout out to all my fellow imposters!

by Kelly Mattei

Imposter Adult

Imposter adult.

When my college-age daughter was home for the holidays, at some point, she asked me if I feel old. I laughed. I’m 56, which I don’t really consider “old,” but I know anyone over 30 seems old to her. I told her the truth: No, I do not feel old. Sometimes I feel just like I did at her age. Other times, I want to be in my pajamas at 6pm. But overall, I don’t even really feel like an adult. A friend recently posted on Facebook, “People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.” I get you, girl.

I feel like an imposter as an adult.

I know other people have experienced “imposter syndrome,” because there’s a name for it. I think lots of people feel like imposters at work. I never really felt like an imposter when I worked outside the home, and I don’t really feel like an imposter as a mom. I simply feel like as an imposter as an adult.

When I told my daughter this, she gave me one of those sideways looks. She probably said, “Bruh,” even though I’m her mom and not her “bruh.” (It seems to be the word of the moment. I’m still using “dude,” but I guess I need to try to switch to “bruh.”) I went on to explain to her what I meant: I still have a young attitude, for the most part. I still like to try to jump and touch things that appear unreachable. That beam across a ceiling in a parking garage? I want to try to jump and touch it. I’m just a couple inches over five feet, so it’s usually a stretch, but at 56, I still like to try! I love rollercoasters. I hate going to the grocery store. I like to do cannonballs into the pool. I like to go to college bars. I like to stay up late, even though I, generally speaking, don’t want to stay out late. I want to go to speakeasies. I like to go to concerts. I still understand why teenagers and college students enjoy the things they do. I don’t necessarily have to join in on a game of beer pong (even though I have before), but I understand why they enjoy it. Most of all, I love good energy, and I love to laugh. There’s not a lot of fun in adulting. Bills? Responsibilities? I take care of business, but I prefer not to think those responsibilities all the time.

Do I know I’m not 21 anymore? Yes. Do I sometimes feel like I’m 21? You bet! Would I go back to being 21 again? Maybe. I wouldn’t go back any younger than that, but I would probably be willing to go back to 21. It would be a lot more fun if I could go back to 21 with the “wisdom” I have at 56. I could avoid some of the mistakes I made along the way. Or would I? Those mistakes are part of who I am. They taught me valuable lessons.

Even with all that “wisdom” and those “valuable lessons,” I still feel like a little girl playing grownup most of the time. My parents simply seemed so much more grown up than I do…in my mind, anyway. Perhaps they felt like they were imposters as adults too? I never asked, and they’re no longer with us.

Shout out to all my fellow imposters!

by Kelly Mattei

The College Facebook Parent Pages Revisited: Advice for Freshman Moms

The college parent Facebook pages revisited: advice for freshman moms.

Oh yes, the college parent pages….sometimes it’s the best entertainment of the day. Sometimes, I simply cannot believe what I read from other parents. And yet, rarely, I do get some valuable insight and/or information. Today, a mother of an incoming freshman had a good question:

If you could give any advice/suggestion to a parent of an incoming freshman, what would it be?

Oh, I could think of several things, but I haven’t typed a response to her on the page yet, because I really don’t want to offend anyone on there. I will tell you the things that came to my mind, and then I will tell you the answers from other parents. Personally, I think it’s a good time for this advice, as the parents and students are just starting the high school to college transition process.

My advice/suggestion to the parent of an incoming freshman:

  • Don’t put anything on the Facebook parent page that could, in any way, embarrass your child. Stop and think before you post. You don’t need to help Little Johnny find a girlfriend. In fact, Little Johnny likely doesn’t want the whole world to know that you still call him Little Johnny.
  • Let your child figure it out! This one is important! College is a great transitional time in life. If the parents are supportive, it can be a smooth transition from childhood to young adulthood. However, if you always help Little Mary make her schedule or find a roommate, she will never learn these skills for herself. Do you want Little Mary to be dependent on you her whole life? I started college in 1985, but I remember it very well. I also remember that, other than writing the checks, my parents didn’t help me with it. They didn’t help me make my schedule. They didn’t help me find friends or roommates. In fact, I’ve said before that I’m not even sure they knew what I was majoring in at the time. And that was OK, because 1980s parents were way cooler and more laid back than 2020s parents. Be like 1980s parents…let the students figure it out!
  • Be happy if, when you visit for a football weekend or other busy time, your child doesn’t have tons of time to spend with you. Be happy he/she has friends and activities that are important to her. Don’t get offended and do the “we traveled all this way” speech.
  • Sometimes, when our students think they won’t have any fun at an activity or on a weekend, they have the best time ever. My daughter once called me and said everyone was leaving the university for the weekend, so she might like to come home. I said, “That’s fine, but it’s not that long before your planned trip home. Try to find something to do, and call me back.” She thought it would be the most boring weekend ever. However, a friend from another school called and wanted to visit her, so she stayed for the weekend, and it was later declared “one of the best weekends ever.”
  • If your rising freshman student will be attending a university with big football, I, personally, would advise against taking the hardest classes they can take the fall semester (football season). I told my daughter, who attends an SEC big football school, “Take the easiest classes you can take that first semester. You will be adjusting to college life. You will be pledging a sorority. You will be going to football games and everything that goes with that. You want to adjust and enjoy it too, so take a light load.” Fortunately, she listened. And I know some parents might disagree with me on this, but I’m not giving their advice/suggestions. I’m giving mine.
  • And for the parents: if you’re going to be an empty nester when this child leaves, enjoy your time! Wow! People have asked me if I was sad when our daughter (an only child) went off to college. The answer is a resounding NO. I was (and still am) absolutely thrilled that she gets to experience life at a big university, complete with all the fun and distractions. I’m also glad I’m able to get out and enjoy the things I like to do without having to chaperone anymore. If you need more information about how to enjoy being an empty nester, there are lots of great books on Amazon. Click here.

I’m sure you’re wondering what other parents’ advice/suggestions were, so I’m going to share a few of those too (I did not write these myself):

  • Don’t worry when they cry and say they have no friends, or a friend hurts their feelings. Second semester everything changes and suddenly everything is in bloom!
  • Stagger visits. My husband and I plus other family and friends visited separately so our DD had lots to look forward to throughout her time there.
  • Get a tutor scheduled for any ‘hard’ classes BEFORE classes begin. Once you realize you need a tutor, it is too late!
  • The first year away from home will be the most difficult. Be mentally prepared for the inevitable feelings of homesickness. This bit of advice helped my DD more than I can tell you.
  • Prepare for them to be sick first semester. It’s just going to happen when you bring kids together from all over the country, living in close quarters and not eating or sleeping their best. Have a first aid box with over the counter remedies and have a list of phone numbers and addresses for local urgent cares in area with a plan on how to get there if needed. The student health center is great, but not always open for hours needed or can get backed up with appointments. ***I would add: please make sure they are up to date on all vaccines, including the Meningitis B vaccine before they go, even if it is not required by the college/university. Meningitis is contagious, and living in a group setting makes you more susceptible. By the time doctors diagnose it, it’s often too late.***
  • Know they are smarter, more resilient, and able to think for themselves more than we ever realized. I know all kids are different, but let them make a few “mistakes” along the way…such as over sleeping and figuring out how what dining halls serve what! If they get sick, let them know you are there for them, but they need to find a way to get to the health clinic! We have spent the last 18 or so years thinking and doing so many things for them. I know it’s hard to let go. But, they have to learn to adult and sometimes that includes choosing to do things in ways we wouldn’t. You will be pleasantly surprised at how awesome your kids are at Adulting if given the full chance! And trust me…having 2 daughters (1 has graduated and 1 is in her 2nd year) I have never not helped when they called asking, but I always encouraged them to first talk about ways to fix their issues before just swooping in to do it for them. They usually have the solution and didn’t even know it! Enjoy these last few months with your senior.
  • Send a meds box: Advil, flu meds, allergy stuff, thermometer, tummy meds . bandages etc.

There were more, but alas, there’s only so much room in this post. If you’re concerned that your rising freshman doesn’t have “adulting” knowledge, maybe help him/her with some books that contain useful information. Here are a few (and these could make great graduation gifts too):

  • Adulting Made Easy: Things Someone Should Have Told You About Getting Your Grown-up Act Together by Amanda Morin. Purchase here.
  • Adulting for Beginners – Life Skills for Adult Children, Teens, High School and College Students / The Grown-Up’s Survival Gift by Matilda Walsh. Purchase here.
  • The Manual to Manhood: How to Cook the Perfect Steak, Change a Tire, Impress a Girl & 97 Other Skills You Need to Survive by Jonathan Catherman. Purchase here.
  • Emily Post’s Etiquette, 19th Edition: Manners for Today. by Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning. This is a hardcover book that I think every young lady should have. Having it in hardcover form allows them to keep it forever and reference it often. My mother gave me one when I went to college, and I still use it for reference. Also makes a great graduation gift. Purchase here.
by Kelly Mattei

Weekly Link Recap, Ending 4/8/23

Weekly link recap, ending 4/8/23. Click on the item name to go straight to the corresponding site page of items I posted this week. To read the piece about the items, click on the TITLE of the piece. Thank you!

*Each week, I will post a recap of any links I have shared in any posts during the week prior. Happy Shopping!*

WHAT TO PURCHASE NOW FOR A DORM ROOM

HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION GIFTS 2023

WHOA DOUGH EDIBLE COOKIE DOUGH

BASIC TRAVEL OUTFITS FOR WOMEN

by Kelly Mattei

All You Need is Love

All you need is love.

My friend, Linda, shared a video recently (on Facebook) that featured Sir Ian McKellen telling a story about getting into a taxi in Manchester, England, and the driver asks, “Where you going to, love?” Sir Ian said he immediately feels at home, where grown men call strangers “love.” He goes on to say the world would be a better place if we all called each other “love,” and I agree. It’s a practice I hope to start now. In my estimation, once I say in 10 or 12 times, it should become a habit, right?

It’s really not a stretch. I already tell everyone I love that I love them when we hang up the phone or when we say goodbye in person. I have written about that before and how it annoyed my friend, Wendy, until I got her in the habit of saying it too. But calling complete strangers “love” could be a little tougher.

In recent months, I have started something new with my daughter. She likely hasn’t noticed. Every now and then, I simply text her “I love you” out of the blue. That’s not really abnormal for us, but in recent months, it has become more frequent for a reason. Sometime after the first of the year, I realized I would text her things that sounded like I was correcting her or giving unsolicited advice. Once I realized it, I decided to try to keep myself in check, so every time I find myself preparing to send her a text with unsolicited advice, I stop myself and text “I love you” instead. Don’t get me wrong. I still offer advice, but normally, only when we are talking on the phone or in person. So basically, I’m replacing my unsolicited advice and nagging with love messages. It makes me feel better, and I’m sure that, even thought she hasn’t even realized the difference yet, she feels better too. She always returns the message with “I love you too.”

So now I need to implement my plan to call everyone “love.” I’m sure some people will find it odd. Some people might even say, “I’m not your love.” And that’s OK. I will know, deep down, that I’m just trying to be nice and spread joy and love. I know everyone will react differently, because my friend, Mary Ann, and I did a social experiment in Beverly Hills ten years ago. We said “good morning” to everyone we passed on the sidewalk. Some people acted like we were weirdos, but a few hugged us and thanked us. You never know when someone needs some love! I feel like there are lots of people walking around out there who haven’t been called “love” or felt loved in a long time! Maybe just one stranger will appreciate being called “love”? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to walk around just saying “hi love” to everyone I see. It will likely be used where I would normally use “sir” or “ma’am.” For example, if someone holds the door open for me as I’m walking into a store, I might say, “Thank you, love!” Or if I’m in a restaurant and my server asks me a question, maybe I answer, “Yes, love.” Maybe I will use it with my friends when they answer the phone, “Hi love!” It is a work in progress. I’ll keep you posted.

Any chance you might want to join me in this plan, love?

All you need is love…love!

by Kelly Mattei

Mama Is Your Ally

Mama is your ally.

For me, this was the single most important message I have wanted to send to my daughter throughout her life: I am your ally. Does it mean I don’t get mad? No. Does it mean I won’t disappoint you? No. There are times I get mad at my daughter. There are times I disappoint her with my reaction to things. However, because we have always had open communication, she knows, deep down, that even though I might get upset about something she does or something she tells me, I will calm down and help her find a solution. She is 19 now…only about eight more months in her teens…and somehow, I feel like I have been successful in the area of communication with her.

When she was growing up, as far back as I can possibly remember, I answered questions honestly. When she was a little girl, if she asked a question, I didn’t sugarcoat it or present some fairytale (like a stork dropping a baby on the front porch); I answered honestly and in an age-appropriate way. Did I always answer perfectly? No. I am the first to say I am an imperfect mother, but that’s part of it. Motherhood is a position in which we learn on the job, so we are going to make mistakes, but we learn as we go.

I follow an Instagram account called Raising Teens Today. It’s not run by a psychologist. It’s run by a mom who also happens to be a public relations professional, and that’s one reason I love it. Her posts are real life posts, not some psycho-babble. Today, she reposted something that said “I hope my daughter grows up thinking ‘I have to tell Mom; she will know what to do’ instead of ‘I’m scared to tell Mom, because she won’t understand.'” Yes. Yes. Yes. Just like that post, I have always wanted my daughter to know she can come to me with anything. Not only that, but she should come to me…and come to me first! ***Raising Teens Today also has a website. You can see it here.***

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure there are things I don’t know about my daughter. I’m not supposed to know everything, just like she isn’t supposed to know everything about me, but if she has a problem, I want to be the first ally she seeks out. Why? Well, I actually have her best interest at heart. Other teenage girls aren’t always looking out for their friends’ best interests. Another reason? I’m going to offer up 55-yr-old wisdom instead of the wisdom of another 19-yr-old. Come on. Do 19-yr-olds really have answers to real life problems? They don’t have enough life experience, and frankly, the frontal lobes of their brains are not fully developed. I have told her the last person to consult for a real problem is another teenager. Yet another reason? Unlike teenage friends, I’m not going to share her private business.

The main reason I want her to come to me, though, is that I want to help her grow into a happy, healthy, productive member of society who knows she is loved…just like she knew she was loved when she was a little girl. We all remember when our college-aged kids were younger. They came to us with everything. Skinned knee? Mama can fix it. Broken bone? Mama will get me to the doctor. Hungry? Mama will feed me. Tired? I can fall asleep in Mama’s lap. Difficulty in school? Mama will help or find me a tutor. Friend problems? I can talk to Mama. Where to go to college? Mama will talk it out with me.

Yes, my daughter’s problems become more serious as she gets older, but it’s every bit as important…maybe more so…that she knows Mama is there for her. As long as I’m alive, I will be her ally. Even after I’m gone, she’ll likely hear my voice in her ear, just like I hear my mother’s regularly. My mother has been gone for five years, but many times, when I have been trying to find an answer to a problem, I remember things she told me.

Mama wisdom is the gift that keeps on giving.

by Kelly Mattei

Teen Wardrobe Controversy

Teen wardrobe controversy.

Recently, one of my favorite psychologists, Lisa Damour, the author of Untangled (see the book on Amazon here), posted something on Facebook about how to address your preteen/teen daughter’s wardrobe choices. And wow! It stirred up some controversy on her Facebook page! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because everything seems to stir up controversy these days. Below is what she posted. And you can listen to the relevant podcast here.

Courtesy of Lisa Damour’s Facebook page

If you have ever read anything I have written, you know I am the mother of a teenage daughter. She’s 18 now…almost 19…and a month into her freshman year of college. She has always been a “real” teenager. She likes to have fun. She likes to spend time with friends. She likes to laugh. She likes to go to parties. Somehow, between all the fun, she manages to do the things she is supposed to do too. Thank the Lord.

She’s the perfect daughter for me, but does that mean she’s perfect? No. I’m not the perfect mother or a perfect person, either. But somehow, we survived the middle and high school years. Does that mean we never disagree? Nope. We disagree. When she was younger, we even disagreed occasionally about wardrobe choices. And just like Lisa Damour, I tried to find a way to say things nicely. Was I always successful? No. Sometimes, I probably said things like, “You look like a hoochie mama.” I know. Not kind words, but they got the point across, and chances are, they probably started a “discussion.”

Even when she was four years old, she had a mind of her own. This is not a story of which I am proud, but it happened. One Sunday morning, as we were getting ready to go to church, I said to our daughter, “Pick out which dress you want to wear.” She argued, “I don’t want to wear a dress. Everyone else doesn’t wear dresses to church.” You know what I said next. “Well, I’m not everyone else’s mother, and we wear dresses to church. Now, go into your closet and pick which one you want to wear.” Her dresses were beautifully organized (back then) and hanging in an orderly fashion in her closet. I followed her into the closet, where she promptly and defiantly touched each dress with the tips of her fingers, while saying some things I won’t repeat. ***Here is where I need to tell you my husband had a brain tumor at the time and because of it, lacked judgment on when and where to say things. He had no filter.*** I’m not kidding. I was horrified (I knew where she had heard it), but I also found myself about to laugh. I made a quick decision to ignore the obvious ploy for attention. I turned my back for a moment before turning around and asking her, “Did you pick a dress?” She did, and I never mentioned the offensive language to her, because I didn’t want it to get any attention. I did, however, tell her preschool teacher (at our church!) the next morning when I dropped her off…gave her a heads up that my daughter, my sweet little 4-yr-old daughter, might teach her classmates some new words. Lord, help us.

We didn’t have much wardrobe controversy for several years after that. I had given up on ruffles and bows long before…when she, at 1 1/2 or 2, declared they were “for babies.” I did manage to get her to wear a hair bow for picture day in Transitional Kindergarten, but only because I told her she could take it out immediately after pictures, which she did. In third grade, on picture day, she didn’t want to look prissy. That was a bit of a battle. We finally agreed, much to my dismay, on a blue t-shirt with a sequined pocket. Sadly, it’s the picture that appeared in the school lunchroom on her checkout page every single day when she made a purchase…all the way through senior year…that damned blue shirt with the sequined pocket.

When she got to middle school, I’m sure I had to veto some ensembles, but not likely because they were skimpy…just not appropriate for the occasion, whatever it might have been.

Then along came high school. She got taller, and the clothes got smaller.

The shorts got shorter and tighter. The shirts got tighter and shorter. The heels got higher. It happens. Frankly, I probably would have been more worried about her if it hadn’t happened. And yes, there were times I had to stop her at the door and say, “You’re not wearing that.”

Some people think we shouldn’t expect our girls to be responsible for what other people think of how they dress. I get it, but I’m not one of those people. I think there is a time and place for everything.

When our daughter was in high school, if she wanted to wear short shorts and a crop top or tube top, that was fine…as long as she is just hanging out with her friends. She didn’t need to walk into better retail establishments dressed like that. She didn’t need to go out to dinner dressed like that. She didn’t need to meet parents of dates dressed like that. It’s simply not appropriate, and I don’t think it gives off the impression she wants to give in those situations.

She’s in college now, so I only get pictures after the fact. I have no say-so. I have no opportunity to nix an outfit choice, but so far, I’ve been pleased with the photos she has sent me. Generally speaking, she knows what is appropriate and what is not.

Come on. Let’s face it. What we wear does say something about us. Every time I get dressed to go somewhere, I am very aware of what I look like. Sometimes, I am dressed like a casual mom, and I know it. Sounds silly, but jeans and a gingham shirt are not going to a fine dining establishment. A comfy, cotton dress? That’s not going either. Sneakers? Nope. I can wear all of those to the grocery store, a sporting event, or for running erands, but if I’m going to a fine dining establishment, I want to dress like I know what I’m doing.

Even when I go to the doctor, I tend to try to dress up a little. It’s about respect, right? I don’t have to be a beauty queen, but don’t we all know people get treated with a little more respect when we look like we have made some effort to look our best? I can’t speak for everyone, but if I look good, I feel good. It’s just the way I roll. If I’m dressed sloppily, I tend to feel sloppy.

So yes, I have been known to stop my daughter from walking out the door dressed in certain ways…when she was younger. Don’t get me wrong…I’m pretty easy going. But if her date’s parents are coming over or picking her up for dinner, she needs to look like she wants their respect. I think this is what school dress codes are all about…teaching kids how to dress appropriately, but most schools don’t seem to care anymore. Later, when our daughter goes for a job interview, she needs to look like she has some self respect.

If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?!?

If you don’t respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you? That’s my message to her. Fortunately, this is not a conversation we have had much in the past couple of years…mostly when she was a young teen.

So yes, I agreed with Lisa Damour’s post. Not everyone did, and that’s OK. We all have our own opinions, and that’s what makes the world go ’round.

by Kelly Mattei

College Students/Adult Decisions

College students/adult decisions.

Oh, it’s the Facebook parent page for my daughter’s university again! A parent posted that her son stopped going to class after his computer broke. They are four weeks into the semester, and she is getting him a new computer, but he seems to have given up. The mom doesn’t know what to do to motivate him, and she wonders if maybe she should just cut the losses and bring him home.

Of course, there were lots of suggestions. Some said, “Rent a laptop from the library.” Others said, “Maybe he’s not really ready for college.” Quite a few said, “Maybe you should encourage him to get back in the game. It’s early.” And then, someone said, “When do we let them start making their own adult decisions on their own?” That one made me think.

When do we let them start making their own adult decisions on their own?

That’s a tough question. Should we allow our college students to make their own adult decisions with no input from us, their parents?

The first thing that came to mind for me was, “I’m paying for it. I’m paying a lot of money for our daughter’s college education, so yes, I have input.“ I can have an opinion, and I can tell her what I expect from her. I make no bones about it. Our daughter is very social, so even before she went to college, I stressed to her that while her social life is very important, she has to take care of business first so she can stay in school to enjoy the social aspects. Does that mean she remembers that conversation? Not necessarily, but I ask regularly, “Are you taking care of business?”

Another thing that came to mind about “allowing her to make her own adult decisions on her own” is that I don’t always make adult decisions on my own…and I’m 55 years old! When I was in college, I regularly got my parents’ input about big decisions. Heck…until my parents were dead, I regularly got their input about adult decisions! And now that I don’t have my parents, I often turn to my spouse, other family members, or friends. I get lots of info and do my research before making big decisions. And you know what? I don’t want my college-age daughter getting all her advice or input from other college-aged people. I have always told her it’s good to get input from friends, but she needs to remember their brains aren’t fully developed either. They don’t have any more life experience than she does! I have stressed that she should come to me for advice, because I have a lot more life experience, and I always have her best interest at heart.

Think about it. What are college students like? There are some who do their schoolwork and work toward an educational goal with no distractions or interference. That’s not my child, and honestly, I don’t want her to be that student. There are college students who quickly find a good balance; they enjoy some social time while working hard in school. There are those who play a lot, and the academic part is secondary. And then there are all kinds of students in between.

My daughter falls somewhere in the balance/having fun category. The first semester of college is quite an adjustment! And since she is at an SEC school, football season is a big deal, and she pledged a sorority, which does take some time. I want her to have fun. That’s why I encouraged her to take the easiest classes she could this first semester, so she can learn to manage her time and become accustomed to college. It can take a while for them to learn how it all works! I remember! By my sophomore year, I knew how college worked, and I had a system for “taking care of business” while still having a good time. I think some kids jump in with the hardest classes they can take freshman year, and for some of them, it causes problems/stress. They need some guidance. Mine’s not taking the hardest classes, and she might not even need my guidance, but I “check in” regularly, and I always remind her that I am always ready to help.

She’s almost 19 years old. That means she has less than one year of adulthood experience. Would you hire a lawyer who had one year of experience and no mentors? No. Would you want a surgeon who had one year of experience and no assistance? No. I’m not expecting my almost-19-yr-old to make all her own decisions. In fact, she’s going to get my input whether she wants it or not right now.

So when will I allow her to make adult decisions on her own? She makes some of them on her own every single day. But the big decisions? Personally, I don’t think she really wants to. As long as my husband and I are on this planet, she can come to us. And if it’s something I know nothing about, I will encourage her to go to someone with more knowledge…no doubt. Will I make all her decisions for her? No way. But if I think she is making a bad decision or needs my help, I will let her know it…even from 450 miles away.

I’ve said it a million times…no matter how old they are, they’re still our “babies.”